Thanksgiving recipes - Part 4

(when it comes to holiday decorations, the more the merrier!!)

Dear Southern Living:

I'm so excited! Our friends will be here in a few days, and my plans are nearly complete.

My little turkey farm is coming along well. The neighbors have apparently gotten used to the gobbling. They haven't called the police in several days.

My organic pumpkin patch is the envy of the neighborhood! I had to plant it in the front yard, since the turkeys are quite territorial. But with a little luck, the homeowner's association will reconsider their fine for Unapproved Unsightly And Untrimmed Vegetation. I think $250 is a little excessive, don't you?

I have hired a local artist to paint miniature murals on my Southern Living Sugar Cookies. After all, our friends are traveling a long way. The least I can do is to show them some Southern Living Hospitality. I have also sent my pearls out for cleaning.

I love, love, love the home decorating section of your Annual Best Of The Best Even Better Than Last Year And Definitely Better Than Anything You've Ever Done You Pathetic Loser Holiday Issue. I'm trying to make my home look exactly like your pictures!

I just have a few questions. I hope you won't mind.

First, is it absolutely necessary to grow my own Christmas tree from an acorn? I'm not sure I have room in the back yard, for obvious gobble-y reasons. And the pumpkin patch is quickly overtaking the front yard. Plus I really don't have much of a green thumb. As you may recall, I wrote you last summer about my cilantro plant which lasted for only 6 hours before dying a tragic and premature death.

I really don't want to go through that kind of emotional trauma again.

Second, on page 547 you have a lovely picture of a wreath. I've been trying to duplicate it, but the spun glass angel wings just won't adhere to the Waterford Crystal pine needles. What am I doing wrong?

I did manage to hang 1000 strands of twinkle lights, coordinated with the cheerful and extremely loud holiday music simultaneously piped through the speakers on my front porch and local radio station 106.1, with animated reindeer doing the Macarena on the roof, plus a nativity set on the front lawn that tells the entire Gospel story from Baby Jesus all the way through the Ascension Into The Sky, which drives the turkeys absolutely crazy.

I can't wait for my friends to see it!!

Thanks for all your help, Southern Living. I'll be in touch next week, when I start to plan my Christmas menu.

I will probably have a few questions.

~~~

Thanksgiving recipes - Part 3

(your days are numbered, my goofy looking friend)

Dear Southern Living Magazine,

Golly gee, I hate to be a pest! But I know you care deeply about the culinary success of Southern women like myself. So I need your expert advice on my dessert selections for Thanksgiving dinner.

My house guests have told me repeatedly not to go to any trouble this year. In fact, each time they say it their voices get louder and more emphatic. I keep telling them, it is no trouble at all to assemble a George Washington Turkey with a Mayflower made entirely of green beans! No trouble at all.

I want to be sure that I prepare the perfect desserts for my friends. Your annual Put Your Neighbors To Shame Holiday Whoop De Doo Look What We Can Do With Pumpkins Edition has been a tremendous help.

I just have a few questions.

First, your apple pie recipe has me completely baffled. Do you mean to tell me it is actually possible to make a pie crust FROM SCRATCH?? Unbelievable. I might as well try to create gravity. Though, again, the lady in your picture looks like she is really enjoying the process. Maybe she's been sampling the egg nog.

Second, I need some help with your Ultimate Pumpkin Pie recipe. What should I do if I can't find a pesticide-free 10-pound no-growth-hormone organic pumpkin at my local Kroger? Would my friends really know the difference if I use a can of Libby's? You won't tell them, will you?

I really love the pictures of your sugar cookies. The Andrew Wyeth landscapes are stunning. I'm not even gonna attempt those.

Thanks a bunch! This will be a Thanksgiving to remember.

~~~

Thanksgiving recipes - Part 2

(woo hoo! now we're cooking)

Dear Southern Living Magazine,

Thank you for the helpful information on How To Cook The Perfect Turkey. My house guests are so excited to try it! They have never seen a boneless, skinless turkey shaped like George Washington before. Can you imagine?

In fact, they looked rather alarmed when I said I was going to cook Thanksgiving dinner from scratch. I told them that they really should be more open-minded. It's been several years since the big fire. I'm ready to try again!

I have been studying the side dish recipes in your Gigantic Colossal Completely Over The Top Holiday Issue, and I have a few more questions for you:

First, I love they way your Green Bean Bundles are assembled in the exact configuration of The Mayflower. Sails and all. Very impressive. If I can't find authentic 16th Century bailing twine at my local Home Depot, is it ok to use some very old string?

Next, I am planning on making your Unbelievable Totally Homemade Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet Cranberry Sauce. I'm just not sure I can stir for 24 hours straight. The lady in your picture looks like she is having fun stirring with her platinum-coated diamond-studded whisk. But I think her pupils are a little dilated.

And finally, of course, no Thanksgiving dinner is complete without mashed potatoes. Which recipe do you really recommend?

~ Buttery Butter-Flavored Butter-Than-Ever Mashed Potatoes With Butter And Sour Cream

or

~ Creamy Sour-Cream Cream-A-Licious Mashed Potatoes With Sour Cream And Butter

They both look delicious.

Thanks so much for your help! I'm super excited to impress my friends.

~~~

Thanksgiving recipes

(this is nothing. wait till you see MY turkey!)

Dear Southern Living Magazine:

I am so excited! We have some friends coming to visit for Thanksgiving. So this year, I'm going all out. No thin-sliced deli turkey from Kroger. No applesauce spooned into those little graham cracker crust things. No indeedy. This year I'm going to cook!

I bought your Southern Living Holiday Extravaganza Impress Your Friends And Neighbors Edition yesterday. It's not too often that I spend $24 on a single magazine. But I figured it's worth that much just for the Do-It-Yourself Back Yard Turkey Farm blueprints alone.

And the diagram for Decorating A 12-Foot Christmas Tree Using Your Grandmother's Antique Jewelry! Stunning!

I just have a few questions:

First, the turkey. Should I prepare the Homegrown Herb Dry Rub before or after I skin the turkey, disassemble it, remove the bones, and then put it back together in the shape of George Washington?

If I don't have time to get my Back Yard Turkey Farm up and running, can you tell me where to find a 50-pound turkey in my local area? I am in Zone 8 of your Southern Living Turkey Zone color-coded map.

Are you sure it's a good idea to stuff the turkey with deep-fried butter? According to your Nutritional Estimates, we will all congeal into solid masses of clogged arteries by 6:00 p.m. The Bacon And Eggs Benedict Gravy sure sounds yummy, I must admit.

I'm a little skeptical about using the giblets to polish my furniture. But you are the experts.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

~~~