5 Reasons why a Free Health Fair is not nearly as festive as it sounds

(the doctor will be with you in a moment)

We live just around the corner from a beautiful new hospital.

If I blind-folded you and led you into the lobby and then, ta-daaaa, ripped off the blind-fold, you would look at the plush carpet and mahogany-paneled walls and crystal chandeliers and immediately ask what time the free breakfast buffet begins, knowing they would serve a lovely assortment of full-size croissants with fresh strawberries and maybe even custom-made omelets with sprigs of parsley artfully arranged on the top.

That's how fancy this hotel is. I mean hospital. It's a hospital. I forgot.

Anyway, this hospital had a free health fair last weekend. Wasn't that nice of them? They had a huge tent outside, with bounce houses for the kids, free lunch for everybody, free health screenings, and free giveaways.

I realize it's rude to complain about free stuff, but here's why it wasn't quite as festive as it sounds:

1. They served hot dogs for lunch. Do you know what's in those things?

2. Their bone density machine said I am a "negative two" which means my fragile little bones are about to shatter into dust and I really need to see a doctor.

3. Their cholesterol test said I am in danger of solidifying at any moment and I really need to see a doctor.

4. Their glucose test said I have way too much sugar in my system which is probably attributable to the granola bars they were passing out but nevertheless, I really need to see a doctor.

5. Their blood pressure machine said I might as well go lie down and wait for the heart attack to take me. Don't even bother making dinner. It will only go to waste.

I must say, the nurse at the "Results" table was very kind. Her smile faded as my results came in and she shook her head slowly as she wrote the extremely high numbers in red ink, circled them, drew exclamation points next to each one, and passed the death sentence across the table to my shaking hands.

"You really need to see a doctor," she whispered, apparently afraid that loud noises would cause my clotted arteries to burst on the spot.

"Would you like to make an appointment? We have two hundred specialists on staff. Some of them might even be in your insurance network, which means you'll only have to pay for hundreds of dollars of blood work, mysterious office charges, and other miscellaneous bills that will trickle in for several years."

I thought for a moment. I remembered the good old days, when I felt healthy and strong, which was approximately one hour ago. I decided to take my chances.

Tests, shmests.

Let's go have a hot dog.

~~~

Miracle drugs. Or not.

(count me in!)

I saw an interesting ad on TV last night. This is how it went, almost word for word:

Woman sleeping peacefully
Narrator: Are you ready for a good night's sleep? Try Ambien. You'll fall asleep fast, and wake up feeling refreshed.

Woman opens her eyes.
Narrator: Side effects may include walking, eating and driving while asleep. Fun for the whole family.

Woman gives a sleepy smile.
Narrator: Behavioral changes have been reported including decreased inhibition, increased aggression and hallucinations. If you attended college in the 60's, this could bring back many fond memories.

Woman yawns and stretches happily.
Narrator: In some cases, Ambien may cause depressed respiratory function resulting in death. But don't worry. You will be fast asleep. You won't feel a thing.

Woman smiles at the camera and gets ready for work.

I don't think she was listening.

~~~

I am saved!

(well whaddya know! there ARE foods without sodium, after all)

(this close-up says it all: Sodium OMG)

I went back to my trusted family physician today. No, not the one at the clinic. I'm talking about the self-serve blood pressure machine at WalMart.

Dr. Self-Serve has a wonderful way of making me feel comfortable. He squeezes my arm. He instructs me to relax. And he doesn't charge me a penny.

Today, he gave me good news! My blood pressure was only 127 over 75! That is well within the normal ranges, according to the helpful chart on the machine, right next to the warning about not relying upon the accuracy of the machine or attempting to self-medicate for high blood pressure.

No worries! I am normal now. (... waiting for my husband to make a snide comment ...) But while I was at WalMart, I thought I might as well investigate some lower-sodium foods. Just in case.

I found quite a few!

They had low-sodium Triscuits, which are surprisingly good when topped with melted cheese.




Turns out Shredded Wheat is sodium-free! (I may be the only person who really considers this good news.)



I tried to find low-sodium salad dressing, but to no avail. So, being the creative and resourceful person that I am, I made my own! One part vinegar, two parts oil ... shake well, and mix in equal parts of Good Seasons. It's not sodium-free, and it looks awful, but it's a step in the right direction.

I have no idea who put these in my cart.

~~~

Why I am doomed

(weapon of mass destruction)

I went to the doctor the other day. I will spare you the details. Let's just say, I never go to the doctor unless I am extremely terribly uncomfortable. In fact, before I go to the doctor I email my sisters to see if my condition is just a genetic fluke, search the internet for herbs, vitamins or home remedies, and rummage through the medicine chest for old, expired prescriptions.

Then I wait a week to see if it goes away. Two weeks if I can stand the pain. That's how much I hate going to the doctor.

Anyway, this condition I had which shall remain nameless became very uncomfortable very quickly. So off I went.

The condition turned out to be something quite minor and easy to treat. But while I was there, I learned that I am doomed.

The nurse took my blood pressure and looked at me with raised eyebrows. "It's 164 over 95," she said with alarm. "That is quite high."

"Well, maybe it's because I am in excruciating pain," I said hopefully.

"Hmm," she said, looking at me like I was a complete idiot.

The doctor came and went, never mentioning my sky-high blood pressure. I'm sure he didn't want to be the one to tell me that my days are numbered. He probably didn't want to go through that awkward moment, like in Terms of Endearment, where the doctor can't even say the words and the poor sickly patient (me) has to say through her tears, "I know what you're telling me. I need to figure out (sob) what to do with my kids." I didn't really want to go through that moment either. So I didn't bring it up.

But a few days later, my husband and I were at Walmart and I dragged him over to the free blood pressure machine.

It was still high.

Not quite as high as before, but not good. Yikes. Maybe it's time to pay attention to my diet. I'm not overweight, but I do eat an awful lot of salt. In fact, more salt than I ever realized. Today, I kept track.

Breakfast alone could kill me. Did you know there are 220 milligrams of salt in a SINGLE SLICE of sourdough bread?? Plus another 90 milligrams in each tablespoon of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, which I Can't Believe Is Not Good For Me!!

I normally snack on cheese (130 mg) and Triscuits (180 mg) and peanuts (115 mg) and potato chips (don't ask). For dinner, I love Good Seasons salad dressing (320 mg!) and spaghetti with Ragu (580 mg!!).

Even Little Debbie Zebra Cakes have 170 mg of sodium!

No wonder the doctor didn't say anything. It's just not good news.

~~~