Insomnia

(count me. i dare ya.)

Insomnia:
The inability to sleep.

Symptoms:
Waking up at random times during the night for absolutely no reason, and then finally getting out of bed at 5 a.m. just like my dad used to do when he was like 80 years old even though I would kindly tell him just go back to bed for pete's sake, what the heck is wrong with you.

Causes:
1. For other people - getting old.
2. For me - the stress of my extremely demanding job, which is not all that extreme or demanding but clearly #1 cannot possibly apply, so there you have it.

Treatment:
Warm bath
Warm milk
Relaxing music
Boring movies
Counting sheep
Darned if I know. Any suggestions?

~~~

To Do List

(hurry hurry! but put some clothes on first)

No time to talk! I have a day off today. Lots to do, especially since I was away on vacation all of last week.

To Do Today:
Grocery shopping
Vacuum
Dust
Take a walk
Check out estate sale down the street
Drop off dry cleaning
Catch up on blogs and Facebook
Touch up hair color
Realize I bought the wrong color
Return to grocery store, wearing hat to cover the orange halo
Forget what color I bought last time
Buy four different shades of L'Oreal, just in case
Touch up color again
Wonder if anyone will notice the yellow halo
Play with grandbabies, who don't care what color my hair is as long as I have gummies in my purse

Cancel summer vacation. It's way too much work.

~~~

Seriously Fabulous Blog Posts

(fortunately, there are alternatives to the Seriously Terrible Blog Posts I rambled about yesterday)

I'm excited to introduce two brand new blogs ... drum roll ...

The first, All For The Best, is by my witty and talented sister Monica. She will tell you some of the same stories as me, but she remembers the details so you will actually get a beginning, a middle and an ending, unlike with me where you get "And then somebody said something so funny, I wish I could remember what it was, you would be laughing hysterically right now, trust me."

With four girls in our family, I must admit there was a lot of rivalry going on when we were little. But I'm happy that we are now each other's biggest supporters. Visit Monica's blog. You'll love her.

The second, Mommee and Mee, is by my totally amazing daughter Jessica, who has two little girls and a full time job and sells her own handmade crocheted items on the side and should not have time to brush her teeth, let alone write a blog.

Her little ones are full of personality - and that's an understatement - so visit her blog for funny stories and adorable pictures and even a chapter or two from the Unicorn Bible. See? Now you have to visit to find out what I'm talking about.

Happy reading! I love you, Moni and Jess. Blog away!

~~~

Seriously Terrible Blog Posts

(bad, bad, bad ... maybe that's good)

As you can tell from my potentially best-selling but currently nonexistent book and the movie rights I expect to sell as soon as my life develops some kind of plot, I have the potential to be an expert blogger.

And so, tonight I am generously offering my expert opinions on how to develop seriously terrible blog posts.

Why would you want to have terrible blog posts? I'm glad you asked. So far, my 2 most popular topics of all time are:

1) Seriously Terrible Halloween Costumes

and

2) Seriously Terrible Holiday Gifts

For some reason, people have actually googled these exact topics. Seriously. So surely there must be people actively seeking Seriously Terrible Blog Writing Tips.

Happy to oblige.

How To Make Sure Your Blog Posts Are Seriously Terrible:

A. Ramble on and on interminably about absolutely nothing. Look back at any of my previous posts for examples.

B. Make each post one long paragraph. Walls of words are so much fun to read.

C. Jump from one topic to another. Be funny one day, morose the next, right-wing on Wednesdays and left-wing on Thursdays. When you have nothing else to write about, try poetry. Make sure it rhymes.

I hope these tips have been helpful! Forget spelling, grammar, sentence structure and cohesive thoughts. Seriously terrible is the way to go. Take it from me.

Blog away!

~~~

Working Girl

(this show now makes sense to me)

I'm sure you are all wondering how my career is going. After all, I've had a real job for almost a year now. I go to an office. I wear shoes every day. I have co-workers. After many years of freelancing, these are not small changes.

Here are some of the things I have learned so far:

1. If they offer you a promotion, don't assume that's a good thing. Be sure to ask (a) if you will now be responsible for making sure other people do their jobs; (b) if you will now be expected to work longer hours, preferably without whining; and (c) if your paycheck will now be bigger.

2. An old dog can try to learn new tricks, but the other dogs will not be fooled. You might as well go ahead and ask your stupid questions, such as "How did you make that amazing pie chart? From Excel? Really??" ... if you're lucky, your co-workers will think you are making a joke. Ha ha just kidding, I've known how to make a pie chart on Excel since I was in kindergarten! No, preschool! I meant preschool!

And 3. If you can't upgrade your skills, upgrade your wardrobe. Who needs Excel, Powerpoint, flashy graphics, impressive spreadsheets, or compelling data? If you have a merino sweater, fitted slacks and designer shoes, people are sure to assume that you are competent. At least, that's what I tell myself.

I have a lot more to learn, I'm sure. But for now, I'm happy to drive to my big impressive office building which looks an awful lot like a little strip mall, toss my hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore, and join my coworkers around the water cooler which is actually a coffee maker while we completely stress out over the incredible amount of work we need to get done in the next umpteen hours before we can finally go home and pop in a video of The Office and fall asleep within the first 30 seconds.

Life is good.

~~~

Seriously Terrible Holiday Gifts (Part 4)

(pretty in pink! perfect gifts for girls)

Dear J.C. Penney,

Well, you've done it again! I thought your Christmas catalog's gift selection for boys just couldn't be beat. But I was wrong! The pages for girls are even better!

I could tell immediately that I had reached the girls' section of the catalog. I mean, that bright pink background just shouts, "Calling all girls!" ... either that or "Pass the Pepto-Bismol, I TOLD you that salmon didn't smell right."

But no. You know I'm kidding! Every girl loves pink. And apparently every girl has an unrelenting, nearly-pathological desire to be a princess. Or a mother. Or perhaps a coy, coquette-ish Southern belle with pearls, gloves, and a hideous hat.

We could use more girls like this in the world, let me tell you. I am SO relieved that the "Women's Lib" movement that was such a big deal during my own formative years is finally, once and for all, completely forgotten.

I mean, honestly, what self-respecting woman wants to dress like a man and cart around an ugly brown briefcase?

I myself would much rather put on my crown, fold up my Majestic Magic Mirror Dresser Suitcase With A Real, Battery-Operated Hair Dryer ($49.99) and stroll over to a friend's house to try on each other's tiaras.

Happy Holidays to you and yours, J.C. Penney! Hats off to your Christmas catalog! Or maybe I should say "tiaras off!" Ha. Ha.

Sincerely,

Lesley

Seriously Terrible Holiday Gifts (Part 3)

(merry christmas, billy! hope you have a blast)

Dear J.C. Penney,

I just want to congratulate you on the outstanding selection of toys for boys this year!! Great job!! Whoever your toy buyers are, they totally deserve a raise.

Not that long ago, "gender neutral" gifts were all the rage. Remember that ridiculous trend? I mean, honestly. Anatomically correct male baby dolls with tiny camouflage-print diaper bags? Please. Any boy who would play with that, deserves whatever punishment his preschool pals decide to dish out. Not that I am condoning violence. Though, come to think of it, you probably wouldn't complain if I DID condone it. After all, the following images are straight from your catalog:







Wow. My muscles became more toned, my voice dropped a register, and hair began sprouting from my ears, just from looking at those pictures.

I just have one question. Can that Camo Marshmallow Shooter possibly be retrofitted to shoot something else? Gerbils, perhaps? Or tiny hand-made arrows? In next year's catalog, you might want to leave out the word "marshmallow." I really don't think today's parents want their boys playing with marshmallows.

Drop that word, and you'll have a whopper of a line-up for tomorrow's budding bank robbers, paramilitary stealth fighters and homegrown terrorists.

Fun for all!

Sincerely,

Lesley