Just calm down, people

Last year, Americans were scared. Why? This picture says it all.









Ok! Ok! We're terrified, already.

But this year, the new buzzword isn't "scared." It's "outraged." Why are we outraged? I can give you billions of reasons. The interesting thing is, our outrage is directed at all kinds of different people.

Some of us are outraged at the person pictured above. Some are outraged at Barney Frank and Christopher Dodd. Others are outraged at Barack Obama.

Lots of people make lots of money by telling us we should be outraged. Rush Limbaugh is a master at this. So is Chris Matthews. And Jim Kramer. And Sean Hannity. And Keith Olbermann. Pass around the Prozac.

What we really need to do, is to forgive and forget. Mostly forget.

Let's take a lesson from Sarah Palin. Not that long ago, she was outraged (OUTRAGED!) about Barack Obama's nefarious past. Who could forget those stirring speeches about pallin' around with terrorists? Where is Ms. Palin this weekend? Pallin' around with Barack at a swanky DC party. Hm.

And listen. Some of you are outraged (OUTRAGED!) about the $18.4 billion that was recently doled out in Wall Street bonuses. Now, sure, that was technically your money. But you need to look at the big picture. Take a lesson from Rudy Guiliani.

Mr. Guiliani has come to the defense of the generously-compensated folks on Wall Street, explaining that their bonuses help support restaurants and other businesses in New York City.

Of course! What were we thinking? All of you waiters out there who are slaving away for less than minimum wage should be ashamed of yourselves. Where would you be without those well-padded restaurant patrons who send back their Caesar salads because they specifically asked for three ounces of shredded cheese, not four, you bumble-headed moron?

They left you a fifty cent tip, didn't they?

Just calm down.

There is something wrong with my face

I got a terrible fright this morning. I was putting on some moisturizer, and when I stroked under my eye, the skin moved to the side - and stayed there. Then I looked at my cheek and saw little red bumps that I swear were not there yesterday.

I looked closer. There is definitely something wrong.

My nose has three new age spots.
My lips are dry and cracked.
My crow's feet look like tributaries from the Colorado River.

Suddenly, I was terrified that my entire body would crackle and collapse into a puff of dust like the pirates in that pirate movie. Or maybe it was the mummy in that mummy movie. I forget. Anyway, not a moment too soon, I ripped off my glasses and threw away my magnifying mirror.

I look much better now.

4 Rules for writing an irresistible blog post

There are lots of blogs out there. If I was a little more detail-oriented, I would do some research and come up with an exact number for you. But I am too busy writing irresistible blog posts! And today is your lucky day. I'm going to share some of my bloggy secrets.

Blog Rule # 1: Don't be boring.
Choose topics that you are passionate about - and let your passion show. If you are not a passionate person, then tell stories about me! You will have at least one devoted reader.

Blog Rule # 2: Keep your paragraphs short.
A typical person has an attention span of 5 sentences, max. Even if you're blogging about the most fascinating topic in the world, they will tune out by sentence # 6. Start a new paragraph, dude.

Blog Rule # 3: Switch it up.
Let's say your blog is about "Granny's Secret Artery-Clogging Recipes." You don't have to make every post the same. Post some pictures. Tell some stories about Granny. Give a few CPR tips. A little variety helps keep your blog irresistible.

Blog Rule # 4: Learn from your elders.
Ok, so I don't have hundreds of followers. I don't have any viral posts. (though I do have a little sinus congestion at the moment) I don't even know what keywords are. But I'm a great role model for sincere, hopeful, technically-challenged bloggers who have an enduring fascination with their own childhood memories.

Take my writing tips seriously.
Take everything else with a grain of salt.
Take your own passions, your own stories, and your own unique viewpoints - and blog for your own enjoyment. Keywords, shmewords.

Once upon a time

Back in the Dark Ages, after the last dinosaurs had curled up and died beneath sheets of ice which are now melting at an alarming rate, children often spent hours sitting quietly, reading books.

Even the little Dale girls would sometimes settle down in various corners of the house, enjoying a quiet afternoon ...

"Where's my pink shirt?"
"What pink shirt? I haven't seen it!"
"You're WEARING it!! Take that off right now!!"
"I'm reading! Leave me alone!"
"Take it off or I'll whap you on the head with that book!"
"MOMMMMM!!!"

Once the bleeding stopped, we would take out a favorite book and escape to another world - usually involving mischievous children who torment each other and get into all kinds of trouble. Go figure.

We had three wonderful books that were long and skinny. In fact, I have them at my house now. (But don't tell my sisters.)

There was the Tall Book of Fairy Tales, the Tall Book of Mother Goose, and the Tall Book of Make-Believe. They were so well-loved, they are now held together with duct tape. The inside cover of the Fairy Tale book tells a story all its own. Scrawled in pencil, it says:

Lesley Dale's book (all scratched out)
Karen's book (even more scratched out)
Dale's book
(Mainly Karen's and Lesley's)
Karen's only
Lesley
Monica
Melissa











I think we all had a slight issue with sharing.

The Make-Believe book had some great stories. There was Bad Mousie, about a little mouse who lived with a little girl named Donnica. Naturally, Monica claimed this story for her own because she thought her name was so much like Donnica but we told her nuh-uh, it's not even close there's like two whole letters that are different and besides you can't claim a story and if you could it would go by age so Monica would have to choose third. Anyway, Bad Mousie cut holes in the bedspread, threw the clean socks into the bathtub, and made little mud tracks all over the rug. He was awful. We loved him dearly.

There was a story called The Very Mischief which we read over and over.

This one was about three children who found all kinds of ways to
be naughty including pulling the black keys off the piano, dragging their little sister underneath the door and throwing a party for wild animals.

You can tell this was an all-time favorite because, as this picture shows, the pages are all torn and patched and covered with tape marks.

There were also some sweet, wholesome stories, like "When I Was A Bird" and "The Village Of Cream Puffs."

These stories have no tape marks at all.

Finding the right words

This is one of those special days. You know those days - when something so momentous happens, you always remember exactly where you were. I will remember sitting here with my laptop, struggling to come up with the right words to describe it.

I will remember feeling hopeful.
I will remember feeling amazed.

Barack Obama. Who would have thought?

Not that long ago, he was called a friend of terrorists. He was called a black radical, a secret Muslim, a non-citizen, an ultra-liberal, a hater of America.

These words didn't phase him. Why? Because this is a man who defines his life by words of his own.

When people questioned his friendships, his character, his experience and his beliefs, he didn't retaliate. He talked. He used words like "hope" ... "unity" ... "service" ... "ideals." He urged us all to examine what we were really saying, and to be careful with the words we choose, knowing that our words shape our actions and define our character.

It would be easy for a man like this to maintain a limited viewpoint, based on his eloquent ideas and nothing else. But Obama is not only a man who talks. He is a man who listens.

He has already started to assemble his team, representing a variety of viewpoints, backgrounds and political affiliations. He invites input from people who disagree with him. He asks for ideas from ordinary Americans.

I know he is not the Messiah. Come on, we all know that.
I know he is not perfect.
But I know that he values the power of words, and I believe that his words will shape this country in positive ways for at least four years to come.

Some of my friends and family members are feeling anxious and resentful and skeptical right now. If those are the words you are using to define this day, I would challenge you to look for other words.

There are lots of good words to choose from.

Need some ideas? Talk to children who have new ways of imagining their future. Look at the faces of your fellow Americans who are seeing new possibilities. Hear the heart of a President who has a new vision for this rowdy, divided, fiercely independent country of ours.

Listen closely. The right words will come.

How to Write: Part Four

Today, let's talk about brainstorming.

Brainstorming is a very important creative process. As a freelancer, it is a bit of a challenge for me, because I only have one brain to storm. But I have found ways to get around that.

1. Borrow a brain. By this I mean, tap into the creative power of others by carefully studying their work. There is a fine line between this and stealing. Do borrow. Don't steal.

When I first started out, if I was trying to come up with a headline I would pull out a magazine and find the most powerful and attention-grabbing ad. Next I would read the article right next to that ad, fill out the little card offering vacation information for seventeen different places in Alabama, and clip out any recipes that sounded yummy.

What was I talking about? I forgot.

2. Borrow your own brain. Save everything you write, whether it is a headline, an article, or a draft of a blog post entitled "Twitter Could Help You Earn A Million Dollars If You Send Me $25 I Will Tell You How." That way if you need an idea in the future, you can go back and tap into your own brilliance.

3. Adapt the rules. The usual rules of brainstorming are:

• Assemble a group of people. (me, myself and I. check.)
• Write down any and all ideas. (I take out a piece of paper and do this. check.)
• See if a good idea comes up. (usually it does.)
• Circle that one. (ok.)

Here is an example:
Let's say a client needs a headline for an auto loan postcard, to go out in late October. The most obvious tie-in would be a Halloween theme. So you start writing ...

Halloween
Boo
Costumes
Scary masks
Scare up a great rate

There you have it! Scare up a great rate! Submit that headline and watch the client rave:
"Sorry. We have decided to delay this project one week. Could we have some headlines dealing with Veteran's Day? Only don't mention Veterans. And we need to include the word 'marshmallow.' Oh, and please make it catchy."

Hopefully you recall my tips on submitting catchy copy. I'll give you a minute to study them. When you get back I will impart some wisdom on how brainstorming can help you earn a million dollars.

Stay tuned ...

Uphill both ways

Strange But True:
Tales from the days when dinosaurs roamed the earth

Did you know, my faithful and undoubtedly-younger-than-me readers, that there was a time when NOBODY had color television sets?

"you mean all of them were black? how boring"

No, I mean the picture was black and white. And there were only 3 or 4 channels. Usually at least 2 of them were all fuzzy.

"you're making this up, right?"

No, I swear. And get this - there were NO remote controls.

"oh come on. how did you change the channels, then?"

You had to get up and twist the knob. Oh, and they only showed movies once a year. If you had a favorite, you'd have to wait a whole year for it to come on again.

"very funny. what, was Blockbuster too far to drive?"

There was no Blockbuster.

"gasp"

We watched The Wizard of Oz once a year. And Peter Pan. And Amahl and the Night Visitors.

"and those were your favorites?"

Oh yes.

"good lord."

The rules were pretty strict back then, too. No swearing. No political controversy. And the married couples on TV shows had to sleep in twin beds.

"if they weren't married, could they sleep together?"

No, my little Twisted Products Of The Current State Of Depravity. There was none of that going on. Everyone was happily married, with perfect polite children and mothers who cooked dinner in dresses and pearls and husbands who relaxed at night wearing a suit and tie.

"no wonder your generation is so uptight"

We had some great shows, though. There was My Favorite Martian, with this funny guy who had antennae, and Mr. Ed, who was a talking horse - oh, and Shari Lewis, who did a whole show with this cute little sock puppet!

"ok, now i just don't believe you at all. i'm gonna go watch a movie that i downloaded onto my phone yesterday"

Sure. No problem. You know how I am, always making things up. heh heh ... I almost had you fooled, though, didn't I?