Now you're cooking

(time for dinner ... or maybe not)

I remember, not that long ago, when dinners were cooked in the oven, not the microwave.

"dinners were cooked? like, people made their own food? how old ARE you, anyway?"

Never you mind. It was not that long ago, believe it or not. In fact, I was just reminded of the good ol' cooking days because my microwave is on the fritz.

"on the fritz? what the heck does that mean?"

It means, if I want to reheat the leftovers from last night's home cooked meal, I have to push the START button a bazillion times before anything starts to happen.

"whoa, wait a minute. what are leftovers?"

Oh my gosh, don't you young people ever eat leftovers?

"ya, if we're dumpster divers. eww."

What about home cooked meals? Are those a thing of the past?

"why cook at home when you can get an in-and-out burger in 5 minutes?"

What if you want comfort food, like chicken and dumplings?

"cracker barrel."

Mom's spaghetti?

"buca di beppo."

Pot roast?

"what's that?"

Never mind ... sigh ... I think I'll go push the START button a bazillion times and see what happens. Catch you later.

"don't save any leftovers for us. we're full."

~~~

Help Wanted: Part Four

(help help help)

Hilarious Craigslist job listing that I just might apply for if I completely lose my mind # 4:

We are seeking Equine Telemarketers

Must be a self-starter and you must have Equine knowledge and telemarketing experience.

Full Time Position - $9.00 Hr. plus Bonuses
972-542-8700 ext. 1222 Attn. Amy

To Reply by email: Press reply to reply at the top of this ad.

This ad raises a great many questions.

First, why are they yelling at me in big bold letters?

Second, what the heck is an equine telemarketer? Is it a horse who makes phone calls to strangers? Or a strange person who makes phone calls to horses? Either way, I'm not sure I qualify.

Third, how completely stupid do you have to be, to need directions about pressing "reply" to reply to this ad? Although, of course, if you are a horse this would be an indication of an incredible (for a horse) IQ. So maybe it's not so stupid after all.

I wonder what you have to do to earn the bonuses ...

~~~

Help Wanted: Part Three

(unemployed? clearly you are not trying very hard)

Hilarious Craigslist job listing that I swear I did not make up # 3:

Wiener Man, Fort Worth's best wiener food truck is now hiring all positions; cashier, grill, expidite and truck leads. Get into this fast-growing industry on the ground floor as we would like to promote from within. We serve amazing wieners and encourage patrons to put them in their mouths frequently. Please reply via this ad with a short description of yourself and/or a resume. See you soon!

Dear Wiener Man: I'm sure your wieners are amazing but you will not be seeing me soon.

~~~

Help Wanted: Part Two

(jobs jobs jobs)

Hilarious Craigslist job listing that will help me avoid the need to write original blog posts # 2:

Head Lice Removal Specialist

Nit Picky is currently hiring head lice specialists as independent contractors in the Dallas, Texas Area. Training is provided, experience with hair is preferred. The position requires the ability to travel to treat families for head lice throughout Dallas County to our customers home. We offer an excellent opportunity to earn a substantial supplemental income that allows you a flexible schedule while working part time.

Requirements Include:
*Pass A Background Check
*Pass A Reference Check
*Pass A Drug Screening
*Ability to Stand for Long Periods of Time
*Good Eye Sight A MUST!
*Enjoy Working With Young Children
*Comfortable Going Into Families Homes
*Positive Attitude
*Be able to deal with bugs
*Available to immediately respond to text, phone calls, or email.
*Have a cell phone and current drivers licsense.

I enjoy working with young children, but I have a feeling that standing for long periods of time picking bugs out of screaming children's hair and passing a drug test are mutually exclusive.

~~~

Help Wanted: Part One

(unemployment? what unemployment?)

Who says there's an unemployment problem? Anyone who makes that claim has not been on Craigslist lately. There are plenty of jobs to go around.

This is the first of possibly hundreds of posts to come highlighting hilarious job postings on craigslist. Now, if you are a coworker of mine, don't get your hopes up. I am not searching for a job. But someone close to me is - which of course means that I am helpfully writing multiple resume versions (HumorousResume / StraightResume / DesperateResume / CharmingResume) not to mention corresponding cover letters and job search engine queries.

Not that I'm controlling or anything.

Along the way, I have encountered some actual job listings that I thought you would enjoy. I swear I did not make these up. Here is the first craigslist listing, word for word, with my comments below in red:

Driver, pick up for crematory

local crematory needs driver/pick up person. must have valid drivers license, ability to do heavy lifting of deceased. training available for crematory operation. must have excellent social skills, attention to detail. $10 per hour salary. part time postion may develop into full time.

• Location: lewisville texas
• Compensation: $10 per hour

Ok, so first of all - what exactly would the "training for crematory operation" involve? Don't tell me. I don't really want to know.

Second, I can understand why you'd need the "ability to do heavy lifting" - but are "excellent social skills" really needed? Really?

And third, this highly desirable position pays a whopping $10 an hour? Seriously?

Sign me up. My TotallyDesperateResume is on the way.

~~~

How I Spent My Summer Vacation - Part One

(summertime ... and the livin' is easy)

It's almost summer in Texas. I can tell because it's almost 100 degrees, at almost 7:00 at night, and it won't go below 75 degrees for almost 5 more months, at which point I will almost be ready for cooler temperatures.

Summer is no big deal to me now. I worked today. I'll work tomorrow. But back in the good old days, when the dinosaurs roamed the earth foraging for children much meatier than I, summer was truly a magical season.

First, we turned in our books.
I loved doing this, probably because I was an extremely strange child who would today be labeled Obsessive Compulsive But Possibly Above Average In Verbal Skills Which May Negate The Need For Therapy If She Is Lucky. The teacher instructed us to open to the first page of each textbook, where there was a little chart listing the children who had used that book and the condition in which they left it. I made sure to mark one degree up from the pathetic child before me, even if it meant taping torn pages and erasing stray pencil marks. This, believe it or not, was great fun.

Then, we had our Flag Day ceremony.
The last day of school was always Flag Day, which involved some kind of ceremony that I honestly do not remember. All I know is, it was the last day of school.

Then, it was VACATION TIME!!!!!
Yippee! Three whole months in which I could do nothing at all.

Or ...

(to be continued)

~~~

5 Reasons why a Free Health Fair is not nearly as festive as it sounds

(the doctor will be with you in a moment)

We live just around the corner from a beautiful new hospital.

If I blind-folded you and led you into the lobby and then, ta-daaaa, ripped off the blind-fold, you would look at the plush carpet and mahogany-paneled walls and crystal chandeliers and immediately ask what time the free breakfast buffet begins, knowing they would serve a lovely assortment of full-size croissants with fresh strawberries and maybe even custom-made omelets with sprigs of parsley artfully arranged on the top.

That's how fancy this hotel is. I mean hospital. It's a hospital. I forgot.

Anyway, this hospital had a free health fair last weekend. Wasn't that nice of them? They had a huge tent outside, with bounce houses for the kids, free lunch for everybody, free health screenings, and free giveaways.

I realize it's rude to complain about free stuff, but here's why it wasn't quite as festive as it sounds:

1. They served hot dogs for lunch. Do you know what's in those things?

2. Their bone density machine said I am a "negative two" which means my fragile little bones are about to shatter into dust and I really need to see a doctor.

3. Their cholesterol test said I am in danger of solidifying at any moment and I really need to see a doctor.

4. Their glucose test said I have way too much sugar in my system which is probably attributable to the granola bars they were passing out but nevertheless, I really need to see a doctor.

5. Their blood pressure machine said I might as well go lie down and wait for the heart attack to take me. Don't even bother making dinner. It will only go to waste.

I must say, the nurse at the "Results" table was very kind. Her smile faded as my results came in and she shook her head slowly as she wrote the extremely high numbers in red ink, circled them, drew exclamation points next to each one, and passed the death sentence across the table to my shaking hands.

"You really need to see a doctor," she whispered, apparently afraid that loud noises would cause my clotted arteries to burst on the spot.

"Would you like to make an appointment? We have two hundred specialists on staff. Some of them might even be in your insurance network, which means you'll only have to pay for hundreds of dollars of blood work, mysterious office charges, and other miscellaneous bills that will trickle in for several years."

I thought for a moment. I remembered the good old days, when I felt healthy and strong, which was approximately one hour ago. I decided to take my chances.

Tests, shmests.

Let's go have a hot dog.

~~~