Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Help Wanted: Part One

(unemployment? what unemployment?)

Who says there's an unemployment problem? Anyone who makes that claim has not been on Craigslist lately. There are plenty of jobs to go around.

This is the first of possibly hundreds of posts to come highlighting hilarious job postings on craigslist. Now, if you are a coworker of mine, don't get your hopes up. I am not searching for a job. But someone close to me is - which of course means that I am helpfully writing multiple resume versions (HumorousResume / StraightResume / DesperateResume / CharmingResume) not to mention corresponding cover letters and job search engine queries.

Not that I'm controlling or anything.

Along the way, I have encountered some actual job listings that I thought you would enjoy. I swear I did not make these up. Here is the first craigslist listing, word for word, with my comments below in red:

Driver, pick up for crematory

local crematory needs driver/pick up person. must have valid drivers license, ability to do heavy lifting of deceased. training available for crematory operation. must have excellent social skills, attention to detail. $10 per hour salary. part time postion may develop into full time.

  • Location: lewisville texas
  • Compensation: $10 per hour
Ok, so first of all - what exactly would the "training for crematory operation" involve? Don't tell me. I don't really want to know.

Second, I can understand why you'd need the "ability to do heavy lifting" - but are "excellent social skills" really needed? Really?

And third, this highly desirable position pays a whopping $10 an hour? Seriously?

Sign me up. My TotallyDesperateResume is on the way.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

How I Spent My Summer Vacation - Part One

(summertime ... and the livin' is easy)

It's almost summer in Texas. I can tell because it's almost 100 degrees, at almost 7:00 at night, and it won't go below 75 degrees for almost 5 more months, at which point I will almost be ready for cooler temperatures.

Summer is no big deal to me now. I worked today. I'll work tomorrow. But back in the good old days, when the dinosaurs roamed the earth foraging for children much meatier than I, summer was truly a magical season.

First, we turned in our books.
I loved doing this, probably because I was an extremely strange child who would today be labeled Obsessive Compulsive But Possibly Above Average In Verbal Skills Which May Negate The Need For Therapy If She Is Lucky. The teacher instructed us to open to the first page of each textbook, where there was a little chart listing the children who had used that book and the condition in which they left it. I made sure to mark one degree up from the pathetic child before me, even if it meant taping torn pages and erasing stray pencil marks. This, believe it or not, was great fun.

Then, we had our Flag Day ceremony.
The last day of school was always Flag Day, which involved some kind of ceremony that I honestly do not remember. All I know is, it was the last day of school.

Then, it was VACATION TIME!!!!!
Yippee! Three whole months in which I could do nothing at all.

Or ...

(to be continued)



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