Monday, May 23, 2011

5 Reasons why a Free Health Fair is not nearly as festive as it sounds


(the doctor will be with you in a moment)


We live just around the corner from a beautiful new hospital.

If I blind-folded you and led you into the lobby and then, ta-daaaa, ripped off the blind-fold, you would look at the plush carpet and mahogany-paneled walls and crystal chandeliers and immediately ask what time the free breakfast buffet begins, knowing they would serve a lovely assortment of full-size croissants with fresh strawberries and maybe even custom-made omelets with sprigs of parsley artfully arranged on the top.

That's how fancy this hotel is. I mean hospital. It's a hospital. I forgot.

Anyway, this hospital had a free health fair last weekend. Wasn't that nice of them? They had a huge tent outside, with bounce houses for the kids, free lunch for everybody, free health screenings, and free giveaways.

I realize it's rude to complain about free stuff, but here's why it wasn't quite as festive as it sounds:

1. They served hot dogs for lunch. Do you know what's in those things?

2. Their bone density machine said I am a "negative two" which means my fragile little bones are about to shatter into dust and I really need to see a doctor.

3. Their cholesterol test said I am in danger of solidifying at any moment and I really need to see a doctor.

4. Their glucose test said I have way too much sugar in my system which is probably attributable to the granola bars they were passing out but nevertheless, I really need to see a doctor.

5. Their blood pressure machine said I might as well go lie down and wait for the heart attack to take me. Don't even bother making dinner. It will only go to waste.

I must say, the nurse at the "Results" table was very kind. Her smile faded as my results came in and she shook her head slowly as she wrote the extremely high numbers in red ink, circled them, drew exclamation points next to each one, and passed the death sentence across the table to my shaking hands.

"You really need to see a doctor," she whispered, apparently afraid that loud noises would cause my clotted arteries to burst on the spot.

"Would you like to make an appointment? We have two hundred specialists on staff. Some of them might even be in your insurance network, which means you'll only have to pay for hundreds of dollars of blood work, mysterious office charges, and other miscellaneous bills that will trickle in for several years."

I thought for a moment. I remembered the good old days, when I felt healthy and strong, which was approximately one hour ago. I decided to take my chances.

Tests, shmests.

Let's go have a hot dog.

~~~

Saturday, May 21, 2011

How to publish an e-book



(chapter 1: in which our story never gets off the e-ground)


I know, I know, I've been promising y'all a book for some time now. Fortunately, the world of book publishing has become much easier in the last few years! In fact, I should have an e-book on Amazon any day now.

Gone are the days of having to find an agent. Today's authors don't even have to send out query letters, anxiously wait by the mailbox, and then burst into tears when rejections flood in with highly insensitive comments like "Not accepting manuscripts at this time" or "Not our genre" or the slightly more encouraging "Everyone has a story to tell. Perhaps you need to figure out what yours is, before you try to tell it."

No! Those days are over! Today, you can simply e-publish an e-book for free, and watch the royalty checks pour in!

Here's how you do it:

1. Write a book. Trust me, this is the easy part.

2. Visit the helpful Kindle Publishing Help Page for instructions on how to publish it.

3. Follow the easy step by step directions. Easy step one is "Formatting Your Text." I have been stuck on this easy step for three and a half weeks. But as soon as I figure it out, I will be ready for the next easy step! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!

Meanwhile, I am accepting pre-orders for my soon-to-be-best-seller so leave a comment to let me know how many e-copies you would like!

Any day now! I promise!

~~~


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