Saturday, October 31, 2009

Funny clever easy terrible homemade Halloween costumes


(lame lame lame ... come on, you can do better than this!)


My post about Seriously Terrible Halloween Costumes has been a tremendous hit! According to StatCounter, where I spend entirely too much time, it outranks my other pages by at least 4 to 1. In fact, I think it may be turned into a movie very soon, starring either Meryl Streep, Meg Ryan, or maybe Paris Hilton if I get some extensive plastic surgery.

Anyway. In order to capitalize further on this smashing success, I've come up with a few more Halloween costume ideas:

Northwest Airline Pilot:
Wear a pilot uniform. Walk 150 miles, then call home and try to explain to your wife why it's going to be a really rotten Christmas this year.

Balloon Boy:
Hide in a box. Sooner or later somebody will go looking for you. If they start asking questions, throw up. (Hint: don't hide too long. You might miss Halloween and your brother will eat all the candy. Plus your Dad might not let you be on The Show when he gets out of jail.)

The Stock Market:
Wear red sweat pants and a black sweatshirt. Stretch way up on your tippy-toes when Goldman Sachs makes money. Collapse onto the floor the rest of the time.

Octomom:
Borrow ALL of your neighbor's children. Put them in a room. Now go out trick-or-treating. Have fun! You deserve a break! Bring the paparrazi along too! If you're lucky maybe you will run into Jon Gosselin! You guys would have, like, the CUTEST kids together!

Happy Halloween!

~~~


Thursday, October 29, 2009

New Fall Movies


(action! or not.
your choice.)



Surprise! My hubby and I each wrote a movie screenplay. Which one would you go see?

His version:
The Hunt for the Gladiator of the Rings from Russia with Love
Running time: 4 hours, 25 minutes

Starring Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Sean Connery, and a busty girl with brown hair who is decapitated within the first 20 minutes

Plot synopsis:
A guy wakes up one morning and realizes he has no idea who is he or what he is doing. He goes around talking to mysterious other guys who mutter with German accents so after an hour and a half, I still have no idea who he is or what he is doing. While I take a nap, he trades briefcases with one of them, blows up several cars, parachutes down from rooftops, saves the world from destruction, and figures out that he is really a Hobbit with a very complicated family tree which will be meticulously explained in further episodes.


My version:
You've Got Mail with lots of Terms of Endearment from Sleepless Seattle Beaches
Running time: 90 minutes

Starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Enough said.

Plot synopsis:
Beautiful young woman moves to New York City, where she rents a quaint little apartment with gleaming hardwood floors, a stone fireplace, and six rooms for, apparently, $0 a month. She meets a handsome and charming man just before the cancer diagnosis devastates her entire life, and her childhood friend drags her out to the beach where she realizes that just because she is dying, that doesn't mean she has to give up on life. Then she dies.


(I just love movies! Please pass the popcorn before I fall asleep again.)

~~~

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What's for dinner?


(nothing for me, thanks)


Have you heard about Filippa Hamilton, the model who was fired by Ralph Lauren for being too fat? Here is her picture. Beware, she truly is disturbingly overweight. Make your children leave the room before you scroll down.




You see what I mean? Hideous. Shame on her. She really let herself go. Fortunately, through the magic of Photoshop, Ralph was able to make her look like this:



SOOOO much better! We all want to look like this, right ladies? I mean, I've always wanted my bracelets to fit around my waist. And it just looks SO good when the widest part of your entire body is your HEAD. Right?

Now, I'm not a big person myself. Never have been. In fact, I've always been a little weird about food.

When I was 4 or 5, I used to drop my dinner behind the radiator, a piece at a time. That worked fine until one day when Dad turned the heat on. Pee-uu.

In my teen years, I was encouraged in my anti-food-ness by Twiggy, the first skinny supermodel who is downright chubby by today's standards. She even had cheeks. On her face, that is.

I used to blame people like Ralph Lauren for at least part of my food weirdness. But then, today, I found the real cause.

My mother's recipes.

I came across a little green metal tin while I was cleaning out a closet. It is stuffed with index cards containing recipes in my mother's handwriting.

Now, my mom used to throw fabulous dinner parties for sophisticated faculty members and assorted friends. They would all dress up and clink glasses and laugh merrily. I loved the clinking and the laughing and even the smell of the cigarettes.

But really. How appetizing do these yummy dinner recipes sound?

~ Fish Sticks in Mustard Toast
~ Creamy Grits Souffle
~ Vegetable Aspic
~ Seafood Curry Shortcake

There is one recipe that I just might try during the upcoming holiday season. Or later today. Here are the ingredients:

Egg Nog
12 eggs
1 pound confectioner's sugar
4 cups whiskey
2 cups rum
1 1/2 quart milk
1 1/2 quart heavy cream
Nutmeg

My mom wrote a note at the bottom:
"Dark rum is good."

I'm thinking this explains a lot.

~~~

Sunday, October 25, 2009

You can never have too many ...


(what's for dinner? whatever you want, darlin')


There are some things you can experience one time and in all honesty, you don't care to experience them again, thank you very much.

Like for instance, going to the grocery store with a tired two year old in jeans, Dora t-shirt, red tutu and mismatched shoes, and discovering after the longest half an hour in the world that a simple can of peas and a loaf of bread will keep her amused, until you reach the checkout and realize that when you were looking the other way she beat the loaf of bread into oblivion with the can of peas and left a trail of crumbs throughout the store, and if you think she's gonna hand over the dented can and the shredded bread bag so the cashier can scan them, you are totally out of your mind.

Which you must be, since you took her to the grocery store in the first place.

But, on the other hand, there are some things you just can't have too many of ... like ...

~ Comfortable shoes

~ Closets

~ Book shelves

~ Ideas

~ Sunny days

~ Friends

~ Tutus

~ And sleepy hugs from the very same two year old when you lift her out of the car, where she fell asleep as soon as you left the grocery store parking lot, clutching "her" groceries as if she was a tiny little mismatched ballerina bag lady, heading home for a dinner of peas and bread crumbs.

~~~

Thursday, October 22, 2009

No offense, but y'all are very strange


(embrace your strange-ness. it's one of the things i like best about you.)


I posted a while ago about the most popular keywords that were drawing people to my little blog. Here is the link, in case you missed it.

At the time, I was a little concerned because the most popular query phrase was "all my friends hate me." Now, it may be true that your friends all hate you. But apparently, that is the least of your problems.

According to my most recent exhaustive research, which involves visiting StatCounter and clicking on "Recent Keyword Activity," readers have searched for the following phrases (my comments are in red):

Terrible Halloween costumes
I can't BELIEVE how many people have searched for this phrase! I even wrote a post about "Easy Halloween Costumes" to see if that phrase would attract some readers. But NO. Apparently you all want terrible costumes for your little kiddies. Especially one reader, who searched for -

Two headed freak costume
How disturbing is that? Never mind that my blog post actually talked about a two-headed costume! That is irrelevant. Why would someone search for that? And why oh why would someone search for this next one? -

Halloween costumes lampshade on night stand
I conducted a Visitor Analysis to try to figure this one out. The inquirer was apparently at the Toronto Public Library. Perhaps they were seeking shelter from the cold and decided to pop into the library and type some random words to see what would pop up. Eh?

Well, that one is nothing compared to what's coming. Fran, hold onto your hat. Someone is searching for you. The exact query was:


TEXAS OR NAYLOR OR GENEOLOGYT "FRAN HILL"
First of all, who is Naylor? What is geneologyt? And why did this query lead to my post on The Dale Girls Going To Ocean Beach, which as I recall had nothing to do with Fran?

Life is such a mystery sometimes.

~~~

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hi ho hi ho


(can't talk now, i'm blogging - i mean, working)


I really need to get some work done today. I have about 100 articles to write for the upcoming quarter. I plan to hole up in my office all day, maybe even with the door closed. That's how serious I am.

It doesn't even matter to me that the Octomom just said she thinks Jon Gosselin is hot. Though that could make for a really funny blog post, right? I'm thinking maybe a fractured fairy tale like the ones Fran (Being Miss) is so good at. (don't tell Fran. she gets testy when people steal her ideas.)

Hey, and did you hear that Sarah Palin is going to be on Oprah to talk about her new book? Plus she posted her resume on LinkedIn this week. Bloggers heaven, right there!

Top Ten Questions For Sarah ... or Top Ten Palin Job Offers From LinkedIn ...

I might even get some SEO from those posts! Speaking of which, I really need to check my recent Keyword Activity to see if my strategy of writing "hot sexy babes" in white letters at the bottom of each post is bringing in new readers.

That might explain some of the comments I'm getting.

Then I absolutely MUST pay a quick visit to Smirking Chimp to see what Andy Borowitz is writing about (New iPhone App Detects Balloon Hoaxes). After that it will be time for dinner.

Sorry. No time to talk.

Gotta go.

~~~

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Insomnia


(enjoy it while you can, kiddo)


Insomnia is so perplexing. Please explain this to me!

My 2-year-old granddaughter refuses to nap, even though she really really needs one because she turns into Zombie Baby by 2:00 pm, Whirling Dervish Baby by 5:00 pm, and Tammy Faye Baker On A Really Bad Day Baby by 7:00 pm.

I would give anything for a nice relaxing nap, but I'm afraid if I take a nap I will not sleep well at night, even though as it is I wake up at 3:00 am, 4:00 am, and 5:00 am and usually get up in desperation at 5:30 and start drinking coffee, which may have something to do with it but there is no way I'm giving up my coffee. Don't even think about it.

My little yellow Dell laptop also refuses to sleep, popping awake at random times and often restarting with that alarming black screen of death, which according to online computer experts can be easily solved:

"Simply launch regedit.exe at the command prompt and load the System hive. Modify the key value by following the next three steps, which appear to be written in Japanese, then reboot the system normally."

I have no clue what any of that means, so very soon I will resort to throwing the aforementioned laptop against the wall, System hive and all.

Especially if I see that black screen of death before my second cup of coffee.

Sleep is very important. Could I have some please?

~~~

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Fall colors in Texas



(my front door, decked out for fall)


I love to visit The Retirement Chronicles to see beautiful pictures of Michigan. The fall colors are amazing. But of course, it is also fall here in Texas! So today I set out to find some fall colors for you, dear readers.

why thank you!

You are most welcome. Here's what I found:



those are pretty colors but they don't look very fall-ish.

Oh, so we're going to be picky today? How about this?



well, that's a little better. don't you have any colorful trees?


Sheesh. Let me walk a little farther - oh, there's one!!




where are the colors?

Right in the middle! See the yellow and orange?

you painted those splotches yourself.

Yeah well.

we're gonna go look at those michigan pictures now.

Ok. Just keep in mind ... when fall is over in Michigan ... the next step is this:




I complain a lot, but I do love Texas!

~~~

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Beep Beep


(trust me. there's a musical term in there somewhere.)

We were sitting in the kitchen last night playing Scrabble (or "the game from Hell" as my hubby likes to call it) ... when suddenly ... from the downstairs hallway ...

beep

Me: What was that?

Hubby: Sounded like a smoke alarm. Are you SURE wyxtrim is a word?

beep!

Me: There it goes again! Yes, wyxtrim. It's, uh, a musical term. 95 points.

beep!

Hubby: That's the smoke alarm all right. Let me take a look.

... get ladder from garage, unscrew smoke alarm, which is hard wired through the ceiling, read warning label which says "do not remove wires or open battery compartment due to risk of electrocution" ...

Hubby: I don't even SEE a battery compartment.

BEEP!

Me: Just rip the stupid thing off. That noise is driving me crazy. I'm sure you won't get electrocuted. Hm ... hoobrit ... perfect! 78 points. Your turn!

BEEP!!

... sounds of ripping, twisting, and breaking plastic ...

Hubby: Got it. Sheesh. What the heck is hoobrit?

Me: Another musical term. It means to play as loudly as you can. The opposite of diminuendoissimo.

Hubby: Sure. Ok. I hate this game. How could you be winning 565 to 74? That doesn't seem right. Are you sure you're adding my points?

Just then ... from the upstairs hallway ...

beep

~~~

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Easy Halloween costumes


A while back, I posted about Seriously Terrible Halloween Costumes. Of course, no parent really wants to torment their child by dressing him or her up as a UPS Man or a two-headed monkey. Or even a two-headed UPS Man, which would be a step in the right direction.

It's hard to come up with easy, unique ideas, right?

Well lucky you! I put my creative little brain to work, and came up with these Quick, Easy, And Not Totally Lame Halloween Costumes Which You Can Make At Home.

Idea # 1: A Black-Eyed Pea
Cut out the letter "P" from black construction paper. Stick it on your child's sweatshirt. Use eye liner to blacken one eye. Voila! A black-eyed "P."

Idea # 2: The Bottom Of Your Child's Desk
Have the whole family save their used chewing gum for a week. Dress your child in gray, and stick the gum all over them. For more authenticity, you might want to add a report card or two, a love note from Susie Schmidlap, or last month's homework.

Idea # 3: A Blogger
Send your child out trick-or-treating in their pajamas, with a cup of coffee in their hand. Shoes are optional.

Idea # 4: A Recent College Graduate
Pack a suitcase and instruct your child to move in with the first family that opens the door. If the homeowner starts asking questions, tell your kid to lock him- or her-self in the bedroom and yell, "Back off! I'm working on my resume!"

~~~




Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Dale Girls somehow survive Elementary School


(winthrop school was this scary. ask anyone.
or better yet, just ask me.)


I'll admit it. I was a puny, shy, overly sensitive child. Which probably explains why I am a puny, shy, overly sensitive adult.

Some people would blame their parents. I blame Winthrop Elementary School.

Winthrop was a huge, hulking brick cube with two stories of classrooms arranged around large central hallways. It was full of terrifying things.

First, there were the teachers. They were all over 100 years old. Every one of them. Well, except for Miss Swanson, the lovely blond student teacher who graced my 4th-grade life for six months and who never stopped smiling and who, I'm sure, would have been delighted to adopt me if only I could have summoned the courage to ask.

Then, there were the fire drills. I was terrified that there would be a fire drill while I was in the bathroom, and I would have to walk out onto the schoolyard all by myself and try to find my class. Terrified.

Not to mention the air raid drills, where we would cower under our desks wondering if it was really a drill or if the teacher just didn't have the heart to tell us the bombs were coming.

And gym class!! In the dank basement with the boys throwing huge rubber balls at our feet in a dastardly game called dodge ball!

And the lunch room!! Good God, the lunch room!! With the principal standing guard to make sure none of us uttered a word! And the other children scowling as I surreptitiously took yet another smelly cream-cheese-and-olive sandwich out of my Huckleberry Hound lunch box and hid it behind the radiator!

Oh the terror!

Oh the nightmares!

Did I mention that I tended to be a little over-sensitive? Still. It's a miracle I survived.

~~~

Friday, October 9, 2009

Tale of Two Cities


(sunshine and palm trees ... my definition of the perfect vacation)


I'm back from vacation! We had a great time exploring two very different areas of California.

First we went to Carmel, where people look at scenes like this every day ...




And where sunsets look like this ...




And where houses like this sell for, I kid you not, $700,000 which the realtor told us is a steal compared to prices a few years ago and plus, the owners are very motivated.




Then we went to San Francisco, where people look at scenes like this every day ...




And where I nearly got killed riding one of these because I just am not that good at balancing on a thin platform at a 90 degree angle while holding onto a cold metal bar and trying not to fall onto the lap of a stranger who smells suspiciously similar to the hallways in my college dorm ...





And where houses like this sell for approximately a bazillion dollars, which the realtor told us is a steal because just look at that view, from the upstairs bathroom you can see the tip of the Golden Gate bridge on a sunny day. And by the way, the owners are very motivated.




It was fun! But as always, it's nice to be home.

~~~

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