Sunday, July 10, 2011

Now you're cooking

(time for dinner ... or maybe not)

I remember, not that long ago, when dinners were cooked in the oven, not the microwave.

"dinners were cooked? like, people made their own food? how old ARE you, anyway?"

Never you mind. It was not that long ago, believe it or not. In fact, I was just reminded of the good ol' cooking days because my microwave is on the fritz.

"on the fritz? what the heck does that mean?"

It means, if I want to reheat the leftovers from last night's home cooked meal, I have to push the START button a bazillion times before anything starts to happen.

"whoa, wait a minute. what are leftovers?"

Oh my gosh, don't you young people ever eat leftovers?

"ya, if we're dumpster divers. eww."

What about home cooked meals? Are those a thing of the past?

"why cook at home when you can get an in-and-out burger in 5 minutes?"

What if you want comfort food, like chicken and dumplings?

"cracker barrel."

Mom's spaghetti?

"buca di beppo."

Pot roast?

"what's that?"

Never mind ... sigh ... I think I'll go push the START button a bazillion times and see what happens. Catch you later.

"don't save any leftovers for us. we're full."


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Help Wanted: Part Four

(help help help)

Hilarious Craigslist job listing that I just might apply for if I completely lose my mind # 4:

We are seeking Equine Telemarketers

Must be a self-starter and you must have Equine knowledge and telemarketing experience.

Full Time Position - $9.00 Hr. plus Bonuses
972-542-8700 ext. 1222 Attn. Amy

To Reply by email: Press reply to reply at the top of this ad.

This ad raises a great many questions.

First, why are they yelling at me in big bold letters?

Second, what the heck is an equine telemarketer? Is it a horse who makes phone calls to strangers? Or a strange person who makes phone calls to horses? Either way, I'm not sure I qualify.

Third, how completely stupid do you have to be, to need directions about pressing "reply" to reply to this ad? Although, of course, if you are a horse this would be an indication of an incredible (for a horse) IQ. So maybe it's not so stupid after all.

I wonder what you have to do to earn the bonuses ...


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Help Wanted: Part Three

(unemployed? clearly you are not trying very hard)

Hilarious Craigslist job listing that I swear I did not make up # 3:

Wiener Man, Fort Worth's best wiener food truck is now hiring all positions; cashier, grill, expidite and truck leads. Get into this fast-growing industry on the ground floor as we would like to promote from within. We serve amazing wieners and encourage patrons to put them in their mouths frequently. Please reply via this ad with a short description of yourself and/or a resume. See you soon!

Dear Wiener Man: I'm sure your wieners are amazing but you will not be seeing me soon.


Friday, July 1, 2011

Help Wanted: Part Two

(jobs jobs jobs)

Hilarious Craigslist job listing that will help me avoid the need to write original blog posts # 2:

Head Lice Removal Specialist

Nit Picky is currently hiring head lice specialists as independent contractors in the Dallas, Texas Area. Training is provided, experience with hair is preferred. The position requires the ability to travel to treat families for head lice throughout Dallas County to our customers home. We offer an excellent opportunity to earn a substantial supplemental income that allows you a flexible schedule while working part time.

Requirements Include:
*Pass A Background Check
*Pass A Reference Check
*Pass A Drug Screening
*Ability to Stand for Long Periods of Time
*Good Eye Sight A MUST!
*Enjoy Working With Young Children
*Comfortable Going Into Families Homes
*Positive Attitude
*Be able to deal with bugs
*Available to immediately respond to text, phone calls, or email.
*Have a cell phone and current drivers licsense.

I enjoy working with young children, but I have a feeling that standing for long periods of time picking bugs out of screaming children's hair and passing a drug test are mutually exclusive.



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