Funny clever easy terrible homemade Halloween costumes

(lame lame lame ... come on, you can do better than this!)

My post about Seriously Terrible Halloween Costumes has been a tremendous hit! According to StatCounter, where I spend entirely too much time, it outranks my other pages by at least 4 to 1. In fact, I think it may be turned into a movie very soon, starring either Meryl Streep, Meg Ryan, or maybe Paris Hilton if I get some extensive plastic surgery.

Anyway. In order to capitalize further on this smashing success, I've come up with a few more Halloween costume ideas:

Northwest Airline Pilot:
Wear a pilot uniform. Walk 150 miles, then call home and try to explain to your wife why it's going to be a really rotten Christmas this year.

Balloon Boy:
Hide in a box. Sooner or later somebody will go looking for you. If they start asking questions, throw up. (Hint: don't hide too long. You might miss Halloween and your brother will eat all the candy. Plus your Dad might not let you be on The Show when he gets out of jail.)

The Stock Market:
Wear red sweat pants and a black sweatshirt. Stretch way up on your tippy-toes when Goldman Sachs makes money. Collapse onto the floor the rest of the time.

Octomom:
Borrow ALL of your neighbor's children. Put them in a room. Now go out trick-or-treating. Have fun! You deserve a break! Bring the paparrazi along too! If you're lucky maybe you will run into Jon Gosselin! You guys would have, like, the CUTEST kids together!

Happy Halloween!

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Easy Halloween costumes

A while back, I posted about Seriously Terrible Halloween Costumes. Of course, no parent really wants to torment their child by dressing him or her up as a UPS Man or a two-headed monkey. Or even a two-headed UPS Man, which would be a step in the right direction.

It's hard to come up with easy, unique ideas, right?

Well lucky you! I put my creative little brain to work, and came up with these Quick, Easy, And Not Totally Lame Halloween Costumes Which You Can Make At Home.

Idea # 1: A Black-Eyed Pea
Cut out the letter "P" from black construction paper. Stick it on your child's sweatshirt. Use eye liner to blacken one eye. Voila! A black-eyed "P."

Idea # 2: The Bottom Of Your Child's Desk
Have the whole family save their used chewing gum for a week. Dress your child in gray, and stick the gum all over them. For more authenticity, you might want to add a report card or two, a love note from Susie Schmidlap, or last month's homework.

Idea # 3: A Blogger
Send your child out trick-or-treating in their pajamas, with a cup of coffee in their hand. Shoes are optional.

Idea # 4: A Recent College Graduate
Pack a suitcase and instruct your child to move in with the first family that opens the door. If the homeowner starts asking questions, tell your kid to lock him- or her-self in the bedroom and yell, "Back off! I'm working on my resume!"

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Seriously terrible Halloween costumes

Attention all parents!! If you haven't already bought your child's Halloween costume, you are almost too late!! The Christmas departments are up and running in all the stores. Get a move on!!

Here are a few costume suggestions for parents who either
a.) waited too long and now have no good costumes to choose from, or
b.) secretly aren't all that crazy about their children.


Suggestion # 1: UPS Man

(seriously. does it get any more boring than this?)

Suggestion # 2: Postal Worker

(warning: do not buy this costume if your child already has anger issues)

Suggestion # 3: A Two-Headed Monkey

(this is kind of a cute costume but personally, the 2-head thing kind of freaks me out)

Suggestion # 4: A Nerdy Little Golfer

(do you want your child to get beat up in nursery school? this outfit should do it)

Suggestion # 5: A Peeing Puppy

(mommmm! can you unzip my costume so i can use my hydrant?)

Of course, if you insist on dressing up your little darlings in one of these costumes, the least you can do is to buy one for yourself!

(i dare you.)

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