Saturday, November 6, 2010

Seriously Terrible Holiday Gifts (Part 4)


(pretty in pink! perfect gifts for girls)

Dear J.C. Penney,

Well, you've done it again! I thought your Christmas catalog's gift selection for boys just couldn't be beat. But I was wrong! The pages for girls are even better!

I could tell immediately that I had reached the girls' section of the catalog. I mean, that bright pink background just shouts, "Calling all girls!" ... either that or "Pass the Pepto-Bismol, I TOLD you that salmon didn't smell right."

But no. You know I'm kidding! Every girl loves pink. And apparently every girl has an unrelenting, nearly-pathological desire to be a princess. Or a mother. Or perhaps a coy, coquette-ish Southern belle with pearls, gloves, and a hideous hat.







We could use more girls like this in the world, let me tell you. I am SO relieved that the "Women's Lib" movement that was such a big deal during my own formative years is finally, once and for all, completely forgotten.

I mean, honestly, what self-respecting woman wants to dress like a man and cart around an ugly brown briefcase?

I myself would much rather put on my crown, fold up my Majestic Magic Mirror Dresser Suitcase With A Real, Battery-Operated Hair Dryer ($49.99) and stroll over to a friend's house to try on each other's tiaras.

Happy Holidays to you and yours, J.C. Penney! Hats off to your Christmas catalog! Or maybe I should say "tiaras off!" Ha. Ha.

Sincerely,

Lesley

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Seriously Terrible Holiday Gifts (Part 3)



(merry christmas, billy! hope you have a blast)


Dear J.C. Penney,

I just want to congratulate you on the outstanding selection of toys for boys this year!! Great job!! Whoever your toy buyers are, they totally deserve a raise.

Not that long ago, "gender neutral" gifts were all the rage. Remember that ridiculous trend? I mean, honestly. Anatomically correct male baby dolls with tiny camouflage-print diaper bags? Please. Any boy who would play with that, deserves whatever punishment his preschool pals decide to dish out. Not that I am condoning violence. Though, come to think of it, you probably wouldn't complain if I DID condone it. After all, the following images are straight from your catalog:







Wow. My muscles became more toned, my voice dropped a register, and hair began sprouting from my ears, just from looking at those pictures.

I just have one question. Can that Camo Marshmallow Shooter possibly be retrofitted to shoot something else? Gerbils, perhaps? Or tiny hand-made arrows? In next year's catalog, you might want to leave out the word "marshmallow." I really don't think today's parents want their boys playing with marshmallows.

Drop that word, and you'll have a whopper of a line-up for tomorrow's budding bank robbers, paramilitary stealth fighters and homegrown terrorists.

Fun for all!

Sincerely,

Lesley

Christmas contest

We're having an office decorating contest at work! With prizes! So in my usual quirky way, I'm being as competitive as possible. ...