How to not write a book

I could never write a book.

Everyone else in my family seems to write books with ease. Which is the first reason why it will never work for me. Growing up with 3 brilliant, beautiful sisters, I learned early on that no matter how good I was at something, someone else (usually under the same roof, if not in the same bedroom) could do it better. Karen was a better pianist. Monica was a better dancer. Mel was better looking. And all three of them have published books, which are undoubtedly better than whatever I would come up with.

Now, if you are one of my sisters reading this, please don't feel bad. It's ok. Really.

See? Did you catch that? That's reason number two why I could never write a book. I would inevitably make someone feel bad. And then I'd never forgive myself, no matter how many times I begged.

You see, all the interesting stories in my life involve someone else who was at fault, plus me, the innocent victim. So writing down these stories would make somebody sad. Or mad, which is even worse. I just can't risk it.

I also read too many books. That's actually the main reason why I can't write one. Because I don't just read. I gulp. I devour. I become totally absorbed in the speech patterns of the writer. I may even start to talk with a foreign accent, which causes my husband to roll his eyes and hide the Merlot. I'll be halfway through a book and start to think, "I could write like this." Which, of course, is the problem. Somebody ELSE already writes like this. And undoubtedly better than I would. Plus, all the good titles are taken.

The good news is, I can write a blog. And who knows? Maybe some famous literary agent will stumble upon my humble blog and think "Eureka! Here is the phenomenal writer I have been looking for my entire career! Let's turn this humble blog into an international best-seller!!"

Or maybe Stephen Colbert will happen by and think "Eureka! Here is the new head writer for my show! Let's fly her out to California immediately!!!"

Or maybe ... a friend or a sister or a total stranger will take a few minutes to read my silly ramblings. Maybe they will recall some funny moments from long ago. Maybe they will leave my little blog with a smile and return when they need a little cheering up.

I kind of hope that's how it works out. I'd like that.