Sunday, August 9, 2009

How to Attain the Perfect Figure

(you, too, could have a lovely figure like Sylvia ... though if your name is fred or sam, it might start the neighbors talking.)

Yes, guys and gals, it's time for another lesson from Sylvia of Hollywood, our 1935 beauty expert. Her little book is chock full of helpful advice, which, being a helpful and extremely lazy blogger, I am happy to steal. I mean pass along.

Today's topic: Exercises that can help you attain the perfect figure.

The quotes are from Sylvia's book. The comments in red are mine.

"Slowly draw the right leg upward and toward the chest and lower the left to about 3 inches from the floor. Now reverse. Lower both legs to the floor and relax. You'll need to. This is one of the most tiring exercises I will give you."

Somehow I find that hard to believe, Sylvia. I think you're just trying to fool us so we will try your other exercises - like this one:

"Scissors - To Develop Your Legs"
"Skinny, undeveloped legs are enough to give anybody an inferiority complex. They're bad enough in long skirts. But you're lost in a bathing suit. No one would look at you twice, except to make fun. You can build up those legs, and here are ways to do it."

But Sylvia - I don't have skinny, undeveloped legs! In fact, I don't know of anyone in the United States over the age of 6 who has skinny, undeveloped legs.

And besides, exercising is so boring! Do you have any tips for exercising with a friend?

"See how this works? It's as if your helper were trying to pull you in two. As she does this you can feel those fatty tissues being broken down. You must always be relaxed."

Which is it, Sylvia? Do you want my helper to pull me in two, or do you want me to be relaxed? You can't have it both ways.

Do you have any parting words for us, Sylvia?

"Keep yourself physically fit. Be mentally alert. Be as attractive and charming as you can. You will increase your earning power, which may come in handy some day."

Thank you Sylvia! I would certainly like to increase my earning power. I've been working as hard as I can. But maybe I'll try being attractive and charming instead! Let's see if my husband notices.

I'll keep you posted.



MzzLily said...

I remember back in the late 70's or early 80's (well, just bits and pieces) I had the Jane Fonda workout on vinyl! After a while I started hated the sound of her voice saying, "Feel the burn?" as though it was a good thing!

Lazy Writer said...

You are so funny! I don't think I need to do any stomach exercises because it already hurts from laughing so hard! :)

Fran Hill said...

Is it absolutely essential that when you exercise with your 'helper' you wear coordinating outfits? I think this is one step too far.

The Retired One said...

These always crack me up..and your comments are the BEST!
I had an old etiquette book from the early 1900's, I may just have to borrow your idea and talk back to it sometime on a blog post.


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