Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Seriously Terrible Holiday Gifts

(i found this "toddler computer desk" online for around $200. but i'm sure your toddler already has one of these!)

Today's kids are SO hard to buy for! By the time they are 3 years old, they already have their own computers, fully operational miniature kitchens, and battery-driven Hummers with leather seats and "Secede Or Die" bumper stickers. At least here in Frisco they do.

So ... you are probably wondering what to buy your favorite boy or girl this year. Lucky you! I have some excellent suggestions. The descriptions in italics are, no kidding, straight from the manufacturers:

1. A Reel Roaster

("crank the reel's handle and the stainless steel skewer slowly rotates for even grilling")

Would you REALLY make your child go into the woods, find a stick, put a marshmallow on it, and rotate it over an open flame BY HAND?? Come now. Get serious. There are no woods within 20 miles of Frisco. Order this Reel Roaster instead.

2. The ZING Catapult Spoon

("zing! launch your lunch")

What better way to bring your family together than a rousing food fight?? Be sure to order enough ZING's for everyone at the table!

3. Bacon Bandages

("treat your minor cuts, scrapes and scratches with the incredible healing power of meat")

I never even knew that meat had incredible healing power! If nothing else, your minor cuts, scrapes and scratches will smell really yummy. The perfect stocking stuffer.

And last but not least ...

4. Glutton Baby

("el primer muneco lactante")
(and hopefully el LAST-o muneco lactante)

Ok, the original Spanish name sounds a little better. Bebe Gloton. This truly disturbing baby doll lets little girls (or, I suppose, disturbed little boys) ... um ... well, here are the three steps on the box: 1) strap on the special nursing bra, 2) "chup chup chup" and 3) "bluuuuuurp"


Skip the Black Friday sales. Just go online to order these sure-to-please gifts. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving tomorrow!!!



Amanda said...

Okay. I actually own those bacon bandages.

Lesley said...

Amanda, just tell me you don't cook with them. Please.

Lily Robinson said...

I think the reel roaster and the bacon bandages would be perfect gifts for Hubby!

I know that breast-feeding is perfectly natural, but I find that baby doll somewhat disturbing...

Now, the spoons? Hehe... Gettin' those for the grandkids!

Jim said...


The Clapper?

~Ellie Kings~ said...

yes ... truly a disturbing baby doll. I think my favorite was the bacon bandages... my nephews would love those after the food fight!
Enjoy your Thanksgiving with your family Lesley! God Bless!

Yaya' s Changing World said...

Ooooh! I can see that I'm gonna' have to come back to yuor site... VERY OFTEN. You are seriously fun!

I have a life-size image of what my girls would do to me if I got their kids any of these, especially the doll. Please, please, pleeeeeze tell me the doll is someone's idea of a sick joke.

Just found you, but I'm not gonna' lose you. Thanks for the chuckle.
~ Yaya
Yaya's Changing World


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