(when it comes to holiday decorations, the more the merrier!!)
Dear Southern Living:
I'm so excited! Our friends will be here in a few days, and my plans are nearly complete.
My little turkey farm is coming along well. The neighbors have apparently gotten used to the gobbling. They haven't called the police in several days.
My organic pumpkin patch is the envy of the neighborhood! I had to plant it in the front yard, since the turkeys are quite territorial. But with a little luck, the homeowner's association will reconsider their fine for Unapproved Unsightly And Untrimmed Vegetation. I think $250 is a little excessive, don't you?
I have hired a local artist to paint miniature murals on my Southern Living Sugar Cookies. After all, our friends are traveling a long way. The least I can do is to show them some Southern Living Hospitality. I have also sent my pearls out for cleaning.
I love, love, love the home decorating section of your Annual Best Of The Best Even Better Than Last Year And Definitely Better Than Anything You've Ever Done You Pathetic Loser Holiday Issue. I'm trying to make my home look exactly like your pictures!
I just have a few questions. I hope you won't mind.
First, is it absolutely necessary to grow my own Christmas tree from an acorn? I'm not sure I have room in the back yard, for obvious gobble-y reasons. And the pumpkin patch is quickly overtaking the front yard. Plus I really don't have much of a green thumb. As you may recall, I wrote you last summer about my cilantro plant which lasted for only 6 hours before dying a tragic and premature death.
I really don't want to go through that kind of emotional trauma again.
Second, on page 547 you have a lovely picture of a wreath. I've been trying to duplicate it, but the spun glass angel wings just won't adhere to the Waterford Crystal pine needles. What am I doing wrong?
I did manage to hang 1000 strands of twinkle lights, coordinated with the cheerful and extremely loud holiday music simultaneously piped through the speakers on my front porch and local radio station 106.1, with animated reindeer doing the Macarena on the roof, plus a nativity set on the front lawn that tells the entire Gospel story from Baby Jesus all the way through the Ascension Into The Sky, which drives the turkeys absolutely crazy.
I can't wait for my friends to see it!!
Thanks for all your help, Southern Living. I'll be in touch next week, when I start to plan my Christmas menu.
I will probably have a few questions.