Sunday, December 20, 2009

How to not get a job

(proof that i am totally inadequate: i don't own any of these objects)

As I've mentioned in the past, one of my hobbies is sending out resumes. Some people would call this "applying for jobs." Having lower expectations, I just call it sending out resumes.

Well lo and behold, one of my resumes actually got me a job interview last week. It was interesting.

I'm afraid that at this point I can't offer any advice on how to ace an interview. But here is my step by step plan for not getting a job:

1. Wake up in the morning to find a zit on the end of your nose. Cover with makeup. Add makeup to the rest of your face so it blends in. Finish with powder. Realize that your face now looks like someone baked a cake on it. Wash off makeup and pray for zit to go away.

2. Arrive at interview a few minutes early. Walk into beautiful, modern office building, walk to suite 105 and stop in front of large glass doors, assuming they will open automatically. Feel like moron when they do not.

3. Attempt to open doors by pushing the wrong one. Smile gamely at receptionist, who is trying not to laugh out loud. Push the other one, which opens, thank God.

4. Wait patiently for 10 minutes while receptionist finishes a printing job, after which she says she needs to print a "proofreading test" for you.

5. Accept "test" with a smile and work on it for 30 seconds, correcting one spelling error.

6. Smile and shake hands with boss, who is ready to begin the interview. Hand over the test and read boss's mind: "What is wrong with this moron? She only corrected one spelling error."

7. Answer typical interview questions, realizing halfway through that you have not yet removed your winter coat. Ponder, in the midst of attempting to make your greatest weakness sound like a strength, whether you should take off the coat, which might give the impression of an awkward and unnecessary strip tease, or just leave it on, since honestly it is the nicest part of your outfit and hides the fact that you are not anywhere near dressed up enough and you don't even OWN a pair of high heels like the receptionist is wearing, and even if you did, you are not at all sure you could wear them all day long, five days a week.

8. Drive home totally convinced that they hated you.

9. Spend the next week waiting for the phone to ring, because maybe they didn't.

10. Go back to blogging, where winter coats are never needed, insecurity is completely unnecessary, and bunny slippers are perfectly acceptable.



Fran Hill said...

I did EXACTLY the same with the winter coat thing when I went for my last interview. I sat there in a bright red winter coat through the whole procedure, having forgotten to take it off. Still, they gave me the job. You never know ... LOVE your numbered points technique. DO pass on the name of the person who inspired you to do that ....

Lesley said...

Fran: That numbered points technique is wonderful! Let's see ... I learned it from ... um ... you!! You are the master of numbered points. Now if there was only a bus stop near me, I could steal ALL of your ideas.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

You should've used Windex on your zit. Works every time.(If you've watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, you'll know what I mean:) Thanks for the laugh, Lesley. Girl, you are too funny. I usually blog in my jammies and slippers. ha!

The Retired One said...

Toooo funny!
I used to do the interviews for jobs, and believe me you were miles ahead of some of the applicants they interviewed. ha
I once had someone pick their nose all the way through the interview.
I had another guy tell me he hoped my organization isn't like the one he just left because he was going to sue them for sexual discrimination.
I had a woman bring her child who had ACTIVE chickenpox into the office with her for her interview. (Oh, and it was a home nursing position where the nurses there treated the elderly, compromised patients) now she exposed all the staff to her kid's chickenpox and potentially all the patients they cared for.
Feel better now???

Mr London Street said...

Bunny slippers. I knew something was missing.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin