(no brad, no! she's, like, totally the wrong woman for you!)
I'm sure you all followed Season Bazillion of The Bachelor just as closely as I did. What's that? You didn't watch it??? Really??? What on earth did you do on Monday nights, then?
Here's what you missed:
Hunky Bachelor Brad returned to national prominence, after being scorned and ridiculed for turning down TWO beautiful women on Season Bazillion Minus One, because, let's face it, he was just completely emotionally unavailable.
Emotionally Unavailable Brad went through weeks of agonizing choices, sharing hot tubs and hot kisses and hot dates with hot women in hot outfits and ultimately giving the final rose, plus a huge engagement ring, to Emotionally Unavailable Emily.
During the After Show, which the producers hoped would be the Dream Wedding Of Brad And Emily Show, both of them appeared quite Emotionally Unavailable. They both looked miserable. What a let-down.
Here's what I learned:
1. I just wasted the last 8 Mondays.
2. I totally need to get a life.
3. If you are emotionally unavailable, take ownership of that! Have some pride! Close yourself off and resign yourself to celibacy and stay AWAY from television cameras. Please.
Now the only question is ... what am I going to do on Monday nights?