Saturday, July 18, 2009

Sylvia Squeezes Off Fat

(my, what strong arms you have, Sylvia!)

I know you have all been eagerly awaiting the next bit of beauty advice from our no-nonsense expert from 1935, Sylvia of Hollywood. Today, I am going to reveal Sylvia's secrets for slimming down those problem areas.

You will be amazed at how easy it is!

First, spend one hour dancing every day. Here are Sylvia's directions:

"Turn on your radio to some peppy music, anything that gives you two-step or fox trot time. With arms above your head, hips swaying from side to side, your spine moving, do an old-fashioned two-step like this: hop, close, step, to the count of one, two, three, and one, two, three. The hop comes first on the right foot, then on the left. As you hop with your weight on the right foot, step out with the left and close by bringing the right foot up to the left. Then take another small step with the left foot, at the same time shifting weight to the left foot. Now hop on the left foot, step out with the right foot and close by bringing the left foot up to the right. Repeat and continue from one side to another."

See? Nothing to it. If these clear, simple directions are too confusing for you, just put on your favorite groovy tunes and bop around for an hour. Make sure the blinds are closed first.

Now we are ready to squeeze off some fat! Yes, you heard me! According to Sylvia, "any stubborn lump of flesh can be squeezed off."

("use your hand to squeeze off fat on the calves")

Sylvia claims she used this technique to reduce Jean Harlow's waistline. She's such a little name dropper.

Here's how to do it:

"First, cover your hands with massaging cream. Take up handfuls of flesh, squeeze hard, then let it slip through your fingers like mashed potatoes. After squeezing, put a turkish towel over the part you're reducing and slap good and hard. Never squeeze or slap the abdomen."

Whew. At least my abdomen is safe. My back, apparently, is not:

(if your back has stubborn lumps of fat, you can get a friend to whack you. no massaging cream needed. unless you're into that kind of thing.)

Oh, and one last tip from the Squeezing chapter:

"Don't swim if you are fat. It will only develop you more."

Ta ta! Have fun squeezing and slapping! Stay tuned for our next installment, which once again will spare me from coming up with actual original material for my blog - "Gain Fifteen Pounds Or More In A Month!"



Fran Hill said...

They should offer this as an activity at WeightWatchers groups. It would make going to slimming club a whole lot more fun.

The Retired One said...

Oh Lord!!


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