Fitness After 50

(step ladies, step!)

Good morning Gals!! Welcome to our Prime Time Fitness Class!! It's a Prime Time to get fit, because I can tell you are all on the verge of total physical disintegration!! So let's get started!!

...booming rap music blares from the speakers

Ok!! Here we go!! Just follow along.

Grapevine right clap clap spin around touch your toes grapevine left clap clap.

You okay, honey? Somebody help her up. Let's try it again, a little slower.

Grape. vine. right. clap. clap. spin. around.

Hold on. Right is THIS way. Got it? This. Way. NO. THIS. WAY. RIGHT. EVERYBODY POINT TO THE RIGHT. Ok. There. Let's try again.

Grape. vine. right.

OKAY. So, grapevine means step, cross, step, cross. Got it?

STEP. NO, TO THE RIGHT! JUST STEP!!!! LIKE YOU'RE WALKING!!! OH MY GOD, DON'T YOU MORONS EVER WALK??? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHICH WAY IS RIGHT??? THAT'S IT I QUIT I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!

...booming rap music continues ... me and my friends grapevine randomly ... half an hour later, it's time for lunch at applebee's.

life is good.

~~~

Fashion After 50

(my fashion motto)

When I was young, I considered myself a pretty snappy dresser. The salespeople at Lord & Taylor knew me by name. I once got a phone call from our local J.Jill store, letting me know there was a sale coming up. My kids could give directions to any store in the mall by the time they were six.

Then I started working at home. Bye-bye snappy, hello sweats.

But now, I'm back in the work force - and over 50. What's a gal to wear? Tell me, J.C.Penney, what kind of clothes would you choose for the "Wear To Work" section of your website?

"This gorgeous dress has it all and when you put it on, we guarantee you won't be the only one swooning."

I don't think swooning is in my job description. And I don't particularly want any of my coworkers swooning, either. What else have you got?

"Steal the attention in any room when you step in wearing this dress."

Just don't stand in front of a stained-glass window, or you will completely disappear. Don't you have something a little plainer, JCP?

"Ruffles and lace combine to create a look that is as elegant as it is romantic."

Well, the color is better but we're back to that swooning mentality again. Sigh. Here are a few more lovely choices from, I swear to God, the "Wear To Work" section of JCP.com:

Have I mentioned that I heart sweatpants?

~~~

Sleep After 50

(must be nice ... clearly she is a long way from 50)

How To Sleep Like Someone Who Is Over Fifty:

1. Drink 6 glasses of water just before bedtime.

2. Sprain your ankle.

3. Turn the heat in your bedroom to 82 degrees. At midnight, turn the air conditioning to 55. An hour later, go back to 82. And so on.

4. Give up in frustration at 5 a.m. and tell yourself that you are extra smart and extra productive, since your days have at least 2 extra hours in them compared to everyone else. Slackers.

Warning: Do NOT sit down and watch a movie, read a book, or hold a warm snuggly sleeping baby at ANY time during your extremely long and productive day. In fact, don't sit down at all. You wouldn't want to fall asleep, would you?

Yeah. Me neither.

~~~

Skin Care After 50

(if your skin does this, it's time to worry)

Today I'm beginning a new series on Life After 50. Not that I will admit to being After 50, myself. It means absolutely nothing that I have socks older than all of my co-workers. They are all just children. Barely old enough to drive. Babies, really.

Anyway.

You will know that you're After 50 like me when you rub a little moisturizer under your eye, and the skin stays skewed off to the side until you rub it back in place.

Then you'll notice little blotchy spots on your face that some people might call age spots except that would be terribly depressing so you back away from the magnifying mirror and pretend you never saw them.

Next, you'll start paying very close attention to commercials for extremely expensive eye creams that promise to make your skin as clear and smooth as the 20-year-old model in the commercial who probably has that weird sun allergy because there is no other explanation for her perfectly white, smooth skin. Unless that eye cream really really works.

Finally, you will decide that it's silly to buy expensive creams when you can simply fill in the wrinkles with extra foundation! What a great idea! And then cover it all with powder! That looks really really great!

Remember, girls: Don't pay $100 for eye cream unless it comes with shoes and a handbag.

Don't let younger co-workers intimidate you, just because they use code words like Hulu, Netflix and Streaming Bluetooth 3G Android Video, making you wonder if they are secretly recording your thoughts through your computer monitor.

And don't stand too close to a magnifying mirror.

~~~

Big Hair

(me, as a baby. was i adorable or what?)

Mandatory Disclaimer:
I am totally stealing the topic for this blog post from Fran, whose blog (here) is always funnier than mine but only because she writes with a charming British accent which gives her an unfair advantage.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled blog:

I live in Texas, where Big Hair is a must. In fact, this is my next-door neighbor, who went a little overboard trying to live up to the Texas Big Hair tradition. While we shake our heads sympathetically at the end result, we all admire her for her good intentions.




In order to really pull off Texas Big Hair, you need naturally dense follicles like mine. Not that I'm bragging. But my hair is so Big, I could donate half of it to charity and still have enough left over for several Farrah Fawcett wigs.

My hair is so Big, when I get it thinned between cuts there's a pile on the floor the size of a Newfoundland puppy.

My hair is so Big, if I flip over and blow-dry it upside down it comes out looking exactly like this:

(no need to spray. it will stay that way all day long.)

Fortunately, I discovered a wonderful invention that lets me have semi-normal hair. It's called a Chi.





In 30 seconds, this amazing device heats up to a bazillion degrees, allowing me to tame my big, crazy, uncontrollable hair for the first time in my entire life. I highly recommend it if you have Big hair like mine.

BUT ... if you're using your Chi in the morning when you are half awake and it slips out of your grasp, do NOT try to catch it on the way down.

Trust me on this.

~~~

Dear Me:

(i heart sticky notes)

I am totally not complaining, but my life is crazy. Now that I'm working full time, my feeble old brain needs to go in 10 different directions at once, for 10 straight hours every day. This is not easy for a feeble old brain.

My solution? Sticky notes.

In fact, I have quite a variety of sticky notes:

1. Job folder sticky notes: My co-workers love my helpful sticky notes, which say helpful but extremely vague things like "Not crazy about this" or "Not feeling this" or "Please change." I simply have no time to be more specific. Read between the lines, people.

2. Project management sticky notes: These are the sticky notes which are stuck all over my computer monitor. I put each one there for a reason, but at this point I have no idea what that reason was. Fortunately, it is a very large monitor. So my system is intact for now.

3. Bedside sticky notes: I keep a fresh supply of sticky notes on the headboard of my bed at all times. This way, when I wake up at 3 am and realize that we are planning to mail 20,000 letters next week but I totally forgot that we need to design an envelope to mail them in, I can bolt upright in bed, grab my little sticky notes, realize that I have no pen, go into the bathroom, grab my eyeliner, and scribble "JOB VPB2 NEEDS ENV" which immediately blurs into something totally undecipherable which hopefully I will be able to decipher in the morning.

Perhaps I need to develop other sticky notes, which might help me remember to throw some towels in the laundry, check up on my kids and eat lunch at least once a week.

But for now, I'm just too busy.

I have some envelopes to take care of.

Catch ya later.

~~~

The Bachelor, Season Umpteen

(no brad, no! she's, like, totally the wrong woman for you!)

I'm sure you all followed Season Bazillion of The Bachelor just as closely as I did. What's that? You didn't watch it??? Really??? What on earth did you do on Monday nights, then?

Here's what you missed:

Hunky Bachelor Brad returned to national prominence, after being scorned and ridiculed for turning down TWO beautiful women on Season Bazillion Minus One, because, let's face it, he was just completely emotionally unavailable.

Emotionally Unavailable Brad went through weeks of agonizing choices, sharing hot tubs and hot kisses and hot dates with hot women in hot outfits and ultimately giving the final rose, plus a huge engagement ring, to Emotionally Unavailable Emily.

During the After Show, which the producers hoped would be the Dream Wedding Of Brad And Emily Show, both of them appeared quite Emotionally Unavailable. They both looked miserable. What a let-down.

Here's what I learned:

1. I just wasted the last 8 Mondays.

2. I totally need to get a life.

3. If you are emotionally unavailable, take ownership of that! Have some pride! Close yourself off and resign yourself to celibacy and stay AWAY from television cameras. Please.

Now the only question is ... what am I going to do on Monday nights?

~~~

A Day In The Life Of A Unicorn

(this is one spoiled unicorn, let me tell ya)

Today was another sunny day in Texas -

Gramma! Shush! My unicorn is sleeping.

Oh. Sorry. Where is he sleeping?

She! It's a she! SHUSH.

She. Fine. Where is SHE sleeping?

In the hat, of course.

Oh sure. The hat.

Can you talk quieter? She is very sad. She needs to sleep.

Why is she sad?

Because her fairy friends Azura and Ariella got shot.

Oh really? That is very sad.

Yes. They got shot by the wicked queen. She shot the unicorn in the wings. Do you think you could find a doctor who can fix my unicorn? Can you Gramma? Please?

Well of course. In fact, I can even make YOU into a magical unicorn.

You can??

Yes. That's what Gramma's do. We take little girls, and we magically transform them into the most special, beautiful, amazing creatures in the whole wide world. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

I love you Riley.

I love you too, Gramma.

~~~

Oil Prices ... yawn ...

(do these lips make my wrinkles look smaller?)

Crude oil prices shot higher Wednesday! Violent clashes in Libya! Concerns about petroleum supplies!

Excuse me while I yawn.

Gasoline now costs $3.39 a gallon at our local 7-Eleven, compared to just $2.99 thirty seconds ago when we filled up our Toyota Camry which thank goodness we only drive 5 miles a week, so that fill-up will fortunately last us several months.

Still. That's a big increase.

Why am I still yawning? Hey, it could be worse.

I got a Macy's flier in the mail today, advertising Estee Lauder Skin Care Products. Did you know that their Advanced Night Repair products are inspired by 25 years of DNA research? I'm sure Watson and Crick are, like, totally thrilled to know that their double-helix discovery paved the way for these revolutionary products, which will make my blotchy, wrinkly face look exactly like a 25-year-old supermodel with remarkably large, puffy lips.

What does this have to do with the price of oil? I'm glad you asked.

Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair Eye Cream is available at your local Macy's store for ONLY $49.50 per half ounce.

According to my extensive research and my handy dandy calculator, my brand new face will therefore cost a whopping $12, 672.00 per gallon.

Whew. And you thought gas was expensive.

I wonder what those puffy lips will cost me. I'll keep you posted.

~~~

Cheap Kindle Books

(i love you, kindle)

I recently bought a Kindle. And yes, I love it.

I thought I would be able to find cheap Kindle books or even free Kindle books, which I mention only because I am shamelessly aware of the value of popular search terms such as Free Kindle Books and Horrible Terrible Halloween Costumes, which for some reason is still by far the most popular page on my blog.

Anyway.

Being something of a reading snob, I thought I would miss the sensation of turning pages. Not to worry. It is way easier to push the little "forward" button with my thumb. In fact, I think the Kindle people should really invent some way for me to simply think "forward" and have the pages flip.

Is that too much to ask?

So far, I have downloaded some fabulous free Kindle books, including:

Directions For Navigating On The South Coast Of Newfoundland With A Chart Thereof Including The Islands Of St Peters And Niguelon, which definitely deserves the prize for Longest Title Of The Year.

The Cattle Raid Of Cualge An Old Irish Prose Epic, which leaves me wondering whether they really have cattle in Ireland. Who knew?

The Little Princess, which held me spellbound as a child watching Shirley Temple tap-dance her way from riches to rags back to riches again but puts me to sleep in no time flat as an adult, which is not all bad.

Bottom line: I love my Kindle. I have no shame when it comes to exploiting keywords. And I'm hoping this blog post will bring all kinds of new readers. Hey, my blog is free. What's not to love?

~~~