Friday, September 23, 2011

Sick day


(keep watch, little puppy. my little puppy is sleeping.)


Gramma, thanks for coming over.

You're welcome sweetheart, your mommy had to take Jules to get her immunizations, right?

Yeah. And I'm sick. I threw up, did you know that? It was disgusting.

Yes, I heard. You look a little tired.

No. I'm not tired. I'm a puppy.

Oh, ok. What does the puppy want to do?

She wants to wear a princess dress.

Ok.

And you need to make her a leash. With a collar.

Ok.

And then you be the mean person, and trap her, right here, with this blanket.

Ok.

She's going to take a little nap. I don't like to take naps. But the puppy wants a nap. You be right there. Don't go anywhere.

I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise, puppy ... puppy? You there? Puppy? I love you, little puppy. Sleep tight.

~~~

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Preschool


(finger painting ... it's about more than fingers)


My 4-year-old granddaughter started preschool this week. Amazing. Some of my first memories are of preschool.

I remember a big red "barn" where the outdoor toys were kept. If I hurried outside at recess time, I could get the tricycle before anybody else grabbed it.

I remember the swings, where I could have happily spent an entire day. My teacher told my mom I was amazingly good at "pumping" for my age. This was my first and last athletic accomplishment.

I remember finger painting, with the squishy paint covering my hands. It smelled great. The best part of finger painting was, there was no wrong way to do it. You could work really hard to make a painting that looked like something. Or you could just enjoy the smell, the feel, the fun of smearing gooey paint over the slick paper, making rainbows that blended into houses that smeared up against clouds that looked like nothing in the real world but felt like a brave, brand new world you had created all by your little 4-year-old self.

That's all I remember. But it's enough. It was a good start.

~~~

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Now you're cooking


(time for dinner ... or maybe not)

I remember, not that long ago, when dinners were cooked in the oven, not the microwave.

"dinners were cooked? like, people made their own food? how old ARE you, anyway?"

Never you mind. It was not that long ago, believe it or not. In fact, I was just reminded of the good ol' cooking days because my microwave is on the fritz.

"on the fritz? what the heck does that mean?"

It means, if I want to reheat the leftovers from last night's home cooked meal, I have to push the START button a bazillion times before anything starts to happen.

"whoa, wait a minute. what are leftovers?"

Oh my gosh, don't you young people ever eat leftovers?

"ya, if we're dumpster divers. eww."

What about home cooked meals? Are those a thing of the past?

"why cook at home when you can get an in-and-out burger in 5 minutes?"

What if you want comfort food, like chicken and dumplings?

"cracker barrel."

Mom's spaghetti?

"buca di beppo."

Pot roast?

"what's that?"

Never mind ... sigh ... I think I'll go push the START button a bazillion times and see what happens. Catch you later.

"don't save any leftovers for us. we're full."

~~~

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Help Wanted: Part Four


(help help help)


Hilarious Craigslist job listing that I just might apply for if I completely lose my mind # 4:

We are seeking Equine Telemarketers

Must be a self-starter and you must have Equine knowledge and telemarketing experience.

Full Time Position - $9.00 Hr. plus Bonuses
972-542-8700 ext. 1222 Attn. Amy

To Reply by email: Press reply to reply at the top of this ad.

This ad raises a great many questions.

First, why are they yelling at me in big bold letters?

Second, what the heck is an equine telemarketer? Is it a horse who makes phone calls to strangers? Or a strange person who makes phone calls to horses? Either way, I'm not sure I qualify.

Third, how completely stupid do you have to be, to need directions about pressing "reply" to reply to this ad? Although, of course, if you are a horse this would be an indication of an incredible (for a horse) IQ. So maybe it's not so stupid after all.

I wonder what you have to do to earn the bonuses ...

~~~


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Help Wanted: Part Three


(unemployed? clearly you are not trying very hard)


Hilarious Craigslist job listing that I swear I did not make up # 3:

Wiener Man, Fort Worth's best wiener food truck is now hiring all positions; cashier, grill, expidite and truck leads. Get into this fast-growing industry on the ground floor as we would like to promote from within. We serve amazing wieners and encourage patrons to put them in their mouths frequently. Please reply via this ad with a short description of yourself and/or a resume. See you soon!

Dear Wiener Man: I'm sure your wieners are amazing but you will not be seeing me soon.

~~~

Friday, July 1, 2011

Help Wanted: Part Two


(jobs jobs jobs)


Hilarious Craigslist job listing that will help me avoid the need to write original blog posts # 2:

Head Lice Removal Specialist

Nit Picky is currently hiring head lice specialists as independent contractors in the Dallas, Texas Area. Training is provided, experience with hair is preferred. The position requires the ability to travel to treat families for head lice throughout Dallas County to our customers home. We offer an excellent opportunity to earn a substantial supplemental income that allows you a flexible schedule while working part time.

Requirements Include:
*Pass A Background Check
*Pass A Reference Check
*Pass A Drug Screening
*Ability to Stand for Long Periods of Time
*Good Eye Sight A MUST!
*Enjoy Working With Young Children
*Comfortable Going Into Families Homes
*Positive Attitude
*Be able to deal with bugs
*Available to immediately respond to text, phone calls, or email.
*Have a cell phone and current drivers licsense.

I enjoy working with young children, but I have a feeling that standing for long periods of time picking bugs out of screaming children's hair and passing a drug test are mutually exclusive.

~~~

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Help Wanted: Part One


(unemployment? what unemployment?)


Who says there's an unemployment problem? Anyone who makes that claim has not been on Craigslist lately. There are plenty of jobs to go around.

This is the first of possibly hundreds of posts to come highlighting hilarious job postings on craigslist. Now, if you are a coworker of mine, don't get your hopes up. I am not searching for a job. But someone close to me is - which of course means that I am helpfully writing multiple resume versions (HumorousResume / StraightResume / DesperateResume / CharmingResume) not to mention corresponding cover letters and job search engine queries.

Not that I'm controlling or anything.

Along the way, I have encountered some actual job listings that I thought you would enjoy. I swear I did not make these up. Here is the first craigslist listing, word for word, with my comments below in red:

Driver, pick up for crematory

local crematory needs driver/pick up person. must have valid drivers license, ability to do heavy lifting of deceased. training available for crematory operation. must have excellent social skills, attention to detail. $10 per hour salary. part time postion may develop into full time.

  • Location: lewisville texas
  • Compensation: $10 per hour
Ok, so first of all - what exactly would the "training for crematory operation" involve? Don't tell me. I don't really want to know.

Second, I can understand why you'd need the "ability to do heavy lifting" - but are "excellent social skills" really needed? Really?

And third, this highly desirable position pays a whopping $10 an hour? Seriously?

Sign me up. My TotallyDesperateResume is on the way.

~~~

Thursday, June 9, 2011

How I Spent My Summer Vacation - Part One


(summertime ... and the livin' is easy)


It's almost summer in Texas. I can tell because it's almost 100 degrees, at almost 7:00 at night, and it won't go below 75 degrees for almost 5 more months, at which point I will almost be ready for cooler temperatures.

Summer is no big deal to me now. I worked today. I'll work tomorrow. But back in the good old days, when the dinosaurs roamed the earth foraging for children much meatier than I, summer was truly a magical season.

First, we turned in our books.
I loved doing this, probably because I was an extremely strange child who would today be labeled Obsessive Compulsive But Possibly Above Average In Verbal Skills Which May Negate The Need For Therapy If She Is Lucky. The teacher instructed us to open to the first page of each textbook, where there was a little chart listing the children who had used that book and the condition in which they left it. I made sure to mark one degree up from the pathetic child before me, even if it meant taping torn pages and erasing stray pencil marks. This, believe it or not, was great fun.

Then, we had our Flag Day ceremony.
The last day of school was always Flag Day, which involved some kind of ceremony that I honestly do not remember. All I know is, it was the last day of school.

Then, it was VACATION TIME!!!!!
Yippee! Three whole months in which I could do nothing at all.

Or ...

(to be continued)

~~~

Monday, May 23, 2011

5 Reasons why a Free Health Fair is not nearly as festive as it sounds


(the doctor will be with you in a moment)


We live just around the corner from a beautiful new hospital.

If I blind-folded you and led you into the lobby and then, ta-daaaa, ripped off the blind-fold, you would look at the plush carpet and mahogany-paneled walls and crystal chandeliers and immediately ask what time the free breakfast buffet begins, knowing they would serve a lovely assortment of full-size croissants with fresh strawberries and maybe even custom-made omelets with sprigs of parsley artfully arranged on the top.

That's how fancy this hotel is. I mean hospital. It's a hospital. I forgot.

Anyway, this hospital had a free health fair last weekend. Wasn't that nice of them? They had a huge tent outside, with bounce houses for the kids, free lunch for everybody, free health screenings, and free giveaways.

I realize it's rude to complain about free stuff, but here's why it wasn't quite as festive as it sounds:

1. They served hot dogs for lunch. Do you know what's in those things?

2. Their bone density machine said I am a "negative two" which means my fragile little bones are about to shatter into dust and I really need to see a doctor.

3. Their cholesterol test said I am in danger of solidifying at any moment and I really need to see a doctor.

4. Their glucose test said I have way too much sugar in my system which is probably attributable to the granola bars they were passing out but nevertheless, I really need to see a doctor.

5. Their blood pressure machine said I might as well go lie down and wait for the heart attack to take me. Don't even bother making dinner. It will only go to waste.

I must say, the nurse at the "Results" table was very kind. Her smile faded as my results came in and she shook her head slowly as she wrote the extremely high numbers in red ink, circled them, drew exclamation points next to each one, and passed the death sentence across the table to my shaking hands.

"You really need to see a doctor," she whispered, apparently afraid that loud noises would cause my clotted arteries to burst on the spot.

"Would you like to make an appointment? We have two hundred specialists on staff. Some of them might even be in your insurance network, which means you'll only have to pay for hundreds of dollars of blood work, mysterious office charges, and other miscellaneous bills that will trickle in for several years."

I thought for a moment. I remembered the good old days, when I felt healthy and strong, which was approximately one hour ago. I decided to take my chances.

Tests, shmests.

Let's go have a hot dog.

~~~

Saturday, May 21, 2011

How to publish an e-book



(chapter 1: in which our story never gets off the e-ground)


I know, I know, I've been promising y'all a book for some time now. Fortunately, the world of book publishing has become much easier in the last few years! In fact, I should have an e-book on Amazon any day now.

Gone are the days of having to find an agent. Today's authors don't even have to send out query letters, anxiously wait by the mailbox, and then burst into tears when rejections flood in with highly insensitive comments like "Not accepting manuscripts at this time" or "Not our genre" or the slightly more encouraging "Everyone has a story to tell. Perhaps you need to figure out what yours is, before you try to tell it."

No! Those days are over! Today, you can simply e-publish an e-book for free, and watch the royalty checks pour in!

Here's how you do it:

1. Write a book. Trust me, this is the easy part.

2. Visit the helpful Kindle Publishing Help Page for instructions on how to publish it.

3. Follow the easy step by step directions. Easy step one is "Formatting Your Text." I have been stuck on this easy step for three and a half weeks. But as soon as I figure it out, I will be ready for the next easy step! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!

Meanwhile, I am accepting pre-orders for my soon-to-be-best-seller so leave a comment to let me know how many e-copies you would like!

Any day now! I promise!

~~~


Friday, April 8, 2011

Financial Planning After 50


(i'm so old, I have equity in my house)


I'm pretty sure I am the oldest employee in my entire company. That doesn't bother me, but it does have some interesting financial implications.

1. I decided to max out my 401(k) contribution, as well as my Health Savings Account contribution, not to mention the special catch-up contributions they give me because I am a geezer who, let's face it, will never catch up.

2. As a result, my take-home pay is approximately $1.98 each week.

3. In fact, our company accountant called me to make sure I was aware that my take-home pay would no longer pay for a take-out pizza.

4. Yes, I told her, that's fine, I'm saving for retirement, which just might happen some day.

5. Unless the stock market crashes again.

6. Which is totally possible, as long as Goldman Sachs controls the world.

7. Which means I better keep working.

8. So I probably need some new clothes.

9. Which will cost a heck of a lot more than $1.98.

10. And in conclusion, my husband clearly needs to get a second job. Do you want to tell him, or should I?

~~~


Monday, April 4, 2011

Technology after 50


(of course i know what a mouse is. everybody knows what a mouse is)


I do my best to keep up with technology. But it's moving way faster than me.

Here are a few things I just don't understand:

1. What the heck is an Android?

2. What is a cloud, and how can I send my files there? And why would I want to send them there, if I don't even know where it is? Plus, I don't have any files anyway, so do I still need a cloud? Cuz if I need one, I really want to get one.

And 3. What if I'm not as smart as my smart phone? Will it be smart enough for both of us? Like, will it explain itself to me, because I'm pretty sure I will have no idea how to use it, if I ever get one, which I probably won't because let's face it I really don't want a phone that is smarter than me.

I miss the good old days, when phones made phone calls and that was it. No email. No pictures. Just hello, let's chat a while.

I miss the cars of yesterday, with windows you had to crank down and super cool AM/FM radios and maybe a tape deck if you were really lucky.

But I do kinda like my Netflix streaming video, with my queue of old black and white movies starring Bette Davis and Clark Gable. See? I'm hip. In my own little way.

~~~





Thursday, March 31, 2011

Fitness After 50


(step ladies, step!)


Good morning Gals!! Welcome to our Prime Time Fitness Class!! It's a Prime Time to get fit, because I can tell you are all on the verge of total physical disintegration!! So let's get started!!

...booming rap music blares from the speakers

Ok!! Here we go!! Just follow along.

Grapevine right clap clap spin around touch your toes grapevine left clap clap.

You okay, honey? Somebody help her up. Let's try it again, a little slower.

Grape. vine. right. clap. clap. spin. around.

Hold on. Right is THIS way. Got it? This. Way. NO. THIS. WAY. RIGHT. EVERYBODY POINT TO THE RIGHT. Ok. There. Let's try again.

Grape. vine. right.

OKAY. So, grapevine means step, cross, step, cross. Got it?

STEP. NO, TO THE RIGHT! JUST STEP!!!! LIKE YOU'RE WALKING!!! OH MY GOD, DON'T YOU MORONS EVER WALK??? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHICH WAY IS RIGHT??? THAT'S IT I QUIT I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!

...booming rap music continues ... me and my friends grapevine randomly ... half an hour later, it's time for lunch at applebee's.

life is good.

~~~






Monday, March 28, 2011

Fashion After 50


(my fashion motto)


When I was young, I considered myself a pretty snappy dresser. The salespeople at Lord & Taylor knew me by name. I once got a phone call from our local J.Jill store, letting me know there was a sale coming up. My kids could give directions to any store in the mall by the time they were six.

Then I started working at home. Bye-bye snappy, hello sweats.

But now, I'm back in the work force - and over 50. What's a gal to wear? Tell me, J.C.Penney, what kind of clothes would you choose for the "Wear To Work" section of your website?


"This gorgeous dress has it all and when you put it on, we guarantee you won't be the only one swooning."

I don't think swooning is in my job description. And I don't particularly want any of my coworkers swooning, either. What else have you got?


"Steal the attention in any room when you step in wearing this dress."

Just don't stand in front of a stained-glass window, or you will completely disappear. Don't you have something a little plainer, JCP?



"Ruffles and lace combine to create a look that is as elegant as it is romantic."

Well, the color is better but we're back to that swooning mentality again. Sigh. Here are a few more lovely choices from, I swear to God, the "Wear To Work" section of JCP.com:




Have I mentioned that I heart sweatpants?

~~~

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sleep After 50


(must be nice ... clearly she is a long way from 50)


How To Sleep Like Someone Who Is Over Fifty:

1. Drink 6 glasses of water just before bedtime.

2. Sprain your ankle.

3. Turn the heat in your bedroom to 82 degrees. At midnight, turn the air conditioning to 55. An hour later, go back to 82. And so on.

4. Give up in frustration at 5 a.m. and tell yourself that you are extra smart and extra productive, since your days have at least 2 extra hours in them compared to everyone else. Slackers.

Warning: Do NOT sit down and watch a movie, read a book, or hold a warm snuggly sleeping baby at ANY time during your extremely long and productive day. In fact, don't sit down at all. You wouldn't want to fall asleep, would you?

Yeah. Me neither.

~~~



Thursday, March 24, 2011

Skin Care After 50


(if your skin does this, it's time to worry)


Today I'm beginning a new series on Life After 50. Not that I will admit to being After 50, myself. It means absolutely nothing that I have socks older than all of my co-workers. They are all just children. Barely old enough to drive. Babies, really.

Anyway.

You will know that you're After 50 like me when you rub a little moisturizer under your eye, and the skin stays skewed off to the side until you rub it back in place.

Then you'll notice little blotchy spots on your face that some people might call age spots except that would be terribly depressing so you back away from the magnifying mirror and pretend you never saw them.

Next, you'll start paying very close attention to commercials for extremely expensive eye creams that promise to make your skin as clear and smooth as the 20-year-old model in the commercial who probably has that weird sun allergy because there is no other explanation for her perfectly white, smooth skin. Unless that eye cream really really works.

Finally, you will decide that it's silly to buy expensive creams when you can simply fill in the wrinkles with extra foundation! What a great idea! And then cover it all with powder! That looks really really great!

Remember, girls: Don't pay $100 for eye cream unless it comes with shoes and a handbag.

Don't let younger co-workers intimidate you, just because they use code words like Hulu, Netflix and Streaming Bluetooth 3G Android Video, making you wonder if they are secretly recording your thoughts through your computer monitor.

And don't stand too close to a magnifying mirror.

~~~



Monday, March 21, 2011

Big Hair


(me, as a baby. was i adorable or what?)



Mandatory Disclaimer:
I am totally stealing the topic for this blog post from Fran, whose blog (here) is always funnier than mine but only because she writes with a charming British accent which gives her an unfair advantage.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled blog:

I live in Texas, where Big Hair is a must. In fact, this is my next-door neighbor, who went a little overboard trying to live up to the Texas Big Hair tradition. While we shake our heads sympathetically at the end result, we all admire her for her good intentions.




In order to really pull off Texas Big Hair, you need naturally dense follicles like mine. Not that I'm bragging. But my hair is so Big, I could donate half of it to charity and still have enough left over for several Farrah Fawcett wigs.

My hair is so Big, when I get it thinned between cuts there's a pile on the floor the size of a Newfoundland puppy.

My hair is so Big, if I flip over and blow-dry it upside down it comes out looking exactly like this:




(no need to spray. it will stay that way all day long.)

Fortunately, I discovered a wonderful invention that lets me have semi-normal hair. It's called a Chi.





In 30 seconds, this amazing device heats up to a bazillion degrees, allowing me to tame my big, crazy, uncontrollable hair for the first time in my entire life. I highly recommend it if you have Big hair like mine.

BUT ... if you're using your Chi in the morning when you are half awake and it slips out of your grasp, do NOT try to catch it on the way down.

Trust me on this.

~~~


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dear Me:


(i heart sticky notes)


I am totally not complaining, but my life is crazy. Now that I'm working full time, my feeble old brain needs to go in 10 different directions at once, for 10 straight hours every day. This is not easy for a feeble old brain.

My solution? Sticky notes.

In fact, I have quite a variety of sticky notes:

1. Job folder sticky notes: My co-workers love my helpful sticky notes, which say helpful but extremely vague things like "Not crazy about this" or "Not feeling this" or "Please change." I simply have no time to be more specific. Read between the lines, people.

2. Project management sticky notes: These are the sticky notes which are stuck all over my computer monitor. I put each one there for a reason, but at this point I have no idea what that reason was. Fortunately, it is a very large monitor. So my system is intact for now.

3. Bedside sticky notes: I keep a fresh supply of sticky notes on the headboard of my bed at all times. This way, when I wake up at 3 am and realize that we are planning to mail 20,000 letters next week but I totally forgot that we need to design an envelope to mail them in, I can bolt upright in bed, grab my little sticky notes, realize that I have no pen, go into the bathroom, grab my eyeliner, and scribble "JOB VPB2 NEEDS ENV" which immediately blurs into something totally undecipherable which hopefully I will be able to decipher in the morning.

Perhaps I need to develop other sticky notes, which might help me remember to throw some towels in the laundry, check up on my kids and eat lunch at least once a week.

But for now, I'm just too busy.

I have some envelopes to take care of.

Catch ya later.

~~~


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Bachelor, Season Umpteen


(no brad, no! she's, like, totally the wrong woman for you!)


I'm sure you all followed Season Bazillion of The Bachelor just as closely as I did. What's that? You didn't watch it??? Really??? What on earth did you do on Monday nights, then?

Here's what you missed:

Hunky Bachelor Brad returned to national prominence, after being scorned and ridiculed for turning down TWO beautiful women on Season Bazillion Minus One, because, let's face it, he was just completely emotionally unavailable.

Emotionally Unavailable Brad went through weeks of agonizing choices, sharing hot tubs and hot kisses and hot dates with hot women in hot outfits and ultimately giving the final rose, plus a huge engagement ring, to Emotionally Unavailable Emily.

During the After Show, which the producers hoped would be the Dream Wedding Of Brad And Emily Show, both of them appeared quite Emotionally Unavailable. They both looked miserable. What a let-down.

Here's what I learned:

1. I just wasted the last 8 Mondays.

2. I totally need to get a life.

3. If you are emotionally unavailable, take ownership of that! Have some pride! Close yourself off and resign yourself to celibacy and stay AWAY from television cameras. Please.

Now the only question is ... what am I going to do on Monday nights?

~~~

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Day In The Life Of A Unicorn




(this is one spoiled unicorn, let me tell ya)


Today was another sunny day in Texas -

Gramma! Shush! My unicorn is sleeping.

Oh. Sorry. Where is he sleeping?

She! It's a she! SHUSH.

She. Fine. Where is SHE sleeping?

In the hat, of course.

Oh sure. The hat.

Can you talk quieter? She is very sad. She needs to sleep.


Why is she sad?

Because her fairy friends Azura and Ariella got shot.


Oh really? That is very sad.

Yes. They got shot by the wicked queen. She shot the unicorn in the wings. Do you think you could find a doctor who can fix my unicorn? Can you Gramma? Please?

Well of course. In fact, I can even make YOU into a magical unicorn.

You can??

Yes. That's what Gramma's do. We take little girls, and we magically transform them into the most special, beautiful, amazing creatures in the whole wide world. Are you ready?

I'm ready.





I love you Riley.

I love you too, Gramma.

~~~



Friday, March 4, 2011

Oil Prices ... yawn ...


(do these lips make my wrinkles look smaller?)


Crude oil prices shot higher Wednesday! Violent clashes in Libya! Concerns about petroleum supplies!

Excuse me while I yawn.

Gasoline now costs $3.39 a gallon at our local 7-Eleven, compared to just $2.99 thirty seconds ago when we filled up our Toyota Camry which thank goodness we only drive 5 miles a week, so that fill-up will fortunately last us several months.

Still. That's a big increase.

Why am I still yawning? Hey, it could be worse.

I got a Macy's flier in the mail today, advertising Estee Lauder Skin Care Products. Did you know that their Advanced Night Repair products are inspired by 25 years of DNA research? I'm sure Watson and Crick are, like, totally thrilled to know that their double-helix discovery paved the way for these revolutionary products, which will make my blotchy, wrinkly face look exactly like a 25-year-old supermodel with remarkably large, puffy lips.

What does this have to do with the price of oil? I'm glad you asked.

Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair Eye Cream is available at your local Macy's store for ONLY $49.50 per half ounce.

According to my extensive research and my handy dandy calculator, my brand new face will therefore cost a whopping $12, 672.00 per gallon.

Whew. And you thought gas was expensive.

I wonder what those puffy lips will cost me. I'll keep you posted.

~~~


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Cheap Kindle Books


(i love you, kindle)


I recently bought a Kindle. And yes, I love it.

I thought I would be able to find cheap Kindle books or even free Kindle books, which I mention only because I am shamelessly aware of the value of popular search terms such as Free Kindle Books and Horrible Terrible Halloween Costumes, which for some reason is still by far the most popular page on my blog.

Anyway.

Being something of a reading snob, I thought I would miss the sensation of turning pages. Not to worry. It is way easier to push the little "forward" button with my thumb. In fact, I think the Kindle people should really invent some way for me to simply think "forward" and have the pages flip.

Is that too much to ask?

So far, I have downloaded some fabulous free Kindle books, including:

Directions For Navigating On The South Coast Of Newfoundland With A Chart Thereof Including The Islands Of St Peters And Niguelon, which definitely deserves the prize for Longest Title Of The Year.

The Cattle Raid Of Cualge An Old Irish Prose Epic, which leaves me wondering whether they really have cattle in Ireland. Who knew?

The Little Princess, which held me spellbound as a child watching Shirley Temple tap-dance her way from riches to rags back to riches again but puts me to sleep in no time flat as an adult, which is not all bad.

Bottom line: I love my Kindle. I have no shame when it comes to exploiting keywords. And I'm hoping this blog post will bring all kinds of new readers. Hey, my blog is free. What's not to love?

~~~

Monday, February 21, 2011

Insomnia


(count me. i dare ya.)

Insomnia:
The inability to sleep.

Symptoms:
Waking up at random times during the night for absolutely no reason, and then finally getting out of bed at 5 a.m. just like my dad used to do when he was like 80 years old even though I would kindly tell him just go back to bed for pete's sake, what the heck is wrong with you.

Causes:
1. For other people - getting old.
2. For me - the stress of my extremely demanding job, which is not all that extreme or demanding but clearly #1 cannot possibly apply, so there you have it.

Treatment:
Warm bath
Warm milk
Relaxing music
Boring movies
Counting sheep
Darned if I know. Any suggestions?

~~~




Saturday, February 19, 2011

To Do List


(hurry hurry! but put some clothes on first)

No time to talk! I have a day off today. Lots to do, especially since I was away on vacation all of last week.

To Do Today:
Grocery shopping
Vacuum
Dust
Take a walk
Check out estate sale down the street
Drop off dry cleaning
Catch up on blogs and Facebook
Touch up hair color
Realize I bought the wrong color
Return to grocery store, wearing hat to cover the orange halo
Forget what color I bought last time
Buy four different shades of L'Oreal, just in case
Touch up color again
Wonder if anyone will notice the yellow halo
Play with grandbabies, who don't care what color my hair is as long as I have gummies in my purse

Cancel summer vacation. It's way too much work.

~~~


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Seriously Fabulous Blog Posts


(fortunately, there are alternatives to the Seriously Terrible Blog Posts I rambled about yesterday)


I'm excited to introduce two brand new blogs ... drum roll ...

The first, All For The Best, is by my witty and talented sister Monica. She will tell you some of the same stories as me, but she remembers the details so you will actually get a beginning, a middle and an ending, unlike with me where you get "And then somebody said something so funny, I wish I could remember what it was, you would be laughing hysterically right now, trust me."

With four girls in our family, I must admit there was a lot of rivalry going on when we were little. But I'm happy that we are now each other's biggest supporters. Visit Monica's blog. You'll love her.

The second, Mommee and Mee, is by my totally amazing daughter Jessica, who has two little girls and a full time job and sells her own handmade crocheted items on the side and should not have time to brush her teeth, let alone write a blog.

Her little ones are full of personality - and that's an understatement - so visit her blog for funny stories and adorable pictures and even a chapter or two from the Unicorn Bible. See? Now you have to visit to find out what I'm talking about.

Happy reading! I love you, Moni and Jess. Blog away!

~~~

Monday, January 24, 2011

Seriously Terrible Blog Posts

(bad, bad, bad ... maybe that's good)


As you can tell from my potentially best-selling but currently nonexistent book and the movie rights I expect to sell as soon as my life develops some kind of plot, I have the potential to be an expert blogger.

And so, tonight I am generously offering my expert opinions on how to develop seriously terrible blog posts.

Why would you want to have terrible blog posts? I'm glad you asked. So far, my 2 most popular topics of all time are:

1) Seriously Terrible Halloween Costumes

and

2) Seriously Terrible Holiday Gifts

For some reason, people have actually googled these exact topics. Seriously. So surely there must be people actively seeking Seriously Terrible Blog Writing Tips.

Happy to oblige.

How To Make Sure Your Blog Posts Are Seriously Terrible:

A. Ramble on and on interminably about absolutely nothing. Look back at any of my previous posts for examples.

B. Make each post one long paragraph. Walls of words are so much fun to read.

C. Jump from one topic to another. Be funny one day, morose the next, right-wing on Wednesdays and left-wing on Thursdays. When you have nothing else to write about, try poetry. Make sure it rhymes.

I hope these tips have been helpful! Forget spelling, grammar, sentence structure and cohesive thoughts. Seriously terrible is the way to go. Take it from me.

Blog away!

~~~


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Working Girl


(this show now makes sense to me)


I'm sure you are all wondering how my career is going. After all, I've had a real job for almost a year now. I go to an office. I wear shoes every day. I have co-workers. After many years of freelancing, these are not small changes.

Here are some of the things I have learned so far:

1. If they offer you a promotion, don't assume that's a good thing. Be sure to ask (a) if you will now be responsible for making sure other people do their jobs; (b) if you will now be expected to work longer hours, preferably without whining; and (c) if your paycheck will now be bigger.

2. An old dog can try to learn new tricks, but the other dogs will not be fooled. You might as well go ahead and ask your stupid questions, such as "How did you make that amazing pie chart? From Excel? Really??" ... if you're lucky, your co-workers will think you are making a joke. Ha ha just kidding, I've known how to make a pie chart on Excel since I was in kindergarten! No, preschool! I meant preschool!

And 3. If you can't upgrade your skills, upgrade your wardrobe. Who needs Excel, Powerpoint, flashy graphics, impressive spreadsheets, or compelling data? If you have a merino sweater, fitted slacks and designer shoes, people are sure to assume that you are competent. At least, that's what I tell myself.

I have a lot more to learn, I'm sure. But for now, I'm happy to drive to my big impressive office building which looks an awful lot like a little strip mall, toss my hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore, and join my coworkers around the water cooler which is actually a coffee maker while we completely stress out over the incredible amount of work we need to get done in the next umpteen hours before we can finally go home and pop in a video of The Office and fall asleep within the first 30 seconds.

Life is good.

~~~

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